


Pathfinding

by Enness



Series: Fight or Flight [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Fluff and angst and fluffy angst, I swear to god this started out as just two scenes, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 16:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 37,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5749384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enness/pseuds/Enness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn tries to find his place in the galaxy. Poe tries to find his place in Finn's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It took 16 days for Finn to be discharged from the medical centre on D’Qar. 

Later, he would be told that he first woke up three days after the destruction of Starkiller, but that it took until day five before he reached any kind of lucidity. For Finn himself, this entire period was a blur, a swirling mix of searing pain and drug-fuelled fever dreams. He had very little idea what was real – the line between a cold cloth being pressed to his head and his face pressing into the snow of Starkiller was nothing more than a flicker in his mind. He understood enough to know that Rey was safe, if not present, and that he was apparently in no immediate danger. This reassurance was of little comfort to him when he woke in the middle of the night, sweating and gasping for breath, still hearing the sound of clashing lightsabers. 

By day six he was capable of holding an actual conversation with a doctor.

“I cannot overstate how lucky you were,” said Major Kalonia, her tone severe, almost as if she blamed him for getting in the way of a lightsaber. “Your spine was unharmed, and the blade cauterised the wound enough to stop you bleeding out on the spot. If it had been an inch to the right, or a half inch deeper, you’d have been dead before you hit the ground.”

He wasn’t sure if this was an attempt to be comforting, but he appreciated the blunt honesty. Her prognosis was equally pointed – two more weeks of bedrest and observation, limited strenuous activity for another two weeks after that, and an arduous-sounding schedule of physical therapy that sounded to Finn like it could be indefinite. 

Privately, Finn wondered just how long they expected him to be staying on D’Qar. To be fair, it wasn’t as if this had been discussed at any point before his injury – between the urgency of launching the attack on Starkiller and his own desperation to save Rey, there hadn’t been much time to talk about whether he was joining the Resistance on the mission, or joining the Resistance. Truthfully, he had no idea what he wanted. Since that night on Jakku, he had yet to plan more than one move ahead, and even the one-step plans he had kept getting disrupted by everyone around him. 

He was almost grateful for pain in his back that grew every few hours between bouts of painkillers, a slow, throbbing ache that seemed to spread to the tips of his toes. The ward, a cramped blue room with four beds and an array of medical machinery, was extremely light on other distractions, as he was the only patient present. 

At one of the first painkiller top-ups after he woke up, Finn asked the medical droid attending to him about this.

“All other patients with Starkiller-related injuries were released while you were still unconscious” the droid explained.

“So...everyone else survived then? Apart from Han, they all made it?” Even to his drug-dulled brain, this seemed strange.

“Negative,” replied the droid dispassionately. “All crew with severe injuries resulting from downed or disabled X-Wings were on Starkiller at the time of detonation. Nineteen casualties were reported. Seven pilots returned, two with minor injuries which treated the same day.”

Finn felt a wave of panic wash over him. 

“Do you know which of the pilots survived?!”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It took 8 days for the names to be added to the D’Qar Wall of Valour.

Poe Dameron stood alone, contemplating the new lines, laser-carved into a simple black stone block. It stood in a quiet corridor in the main base leading to a number of storage rooms, far away from the soldiers’ quarters and the mess. The idea was to allow soldiers to deal with the wall in their own way – they didn’t need to see it every day, and could reasonably hope to have a few moments to themselves at it if they preferred to approach it privately.

Poe would have had a list of names carved into the wall of every room in the base, if he could. He understood on some objective level why people would run from the pain, or want to release it in small bursts, but he couldn’t imagine any way to approach death but head-on. He had lost enough people early enough in his life that he couldn’t dance around the topic. Even the name, “Wall of Valour”, felt euphemistic and insincere. But he still came here every few days to force his mind to stay sharp. Life with the Resistance meant facing danger daily, and Poe wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, but a constant reminder of that helped him to focus on why their mission was so important. If it wasn’t these names, it would be countless others, wiped out by the First Order in their maniacal quest for control.

His eyes lingered on the latest names to be added, the carving fresh and raw. Han, who Poe had barely known but who had been a friend to his parents. Ello, whose dying screams had been broadcast for everyone in his squadron to hear. The entirety of Cobalt Squadron – five names neatly lined up, together even in death. He recited the 19 new names mentally, burning them into the wall in his mind. It was for them that the Resistance had to succeed.

He felt, rather than heard, someone approaching behind him. He turned to see Jessika Pava walking slowly towards him. 

“You need a minute?” she asked.

He shook his head. “No, I’m good.” There was no artifice here – he grieved for his lost comrades as much as anyone, but had no intention of letting that slow him down. He did, however, understand that his approach to loss was not how most people reacted.

“What about you?” he asked.

Jessika smiled wearily. “Not good at all. But here we are. This is what being in the Resistance means. I’ll be OK.”

Poe put an arm around her and squeezed her tightly. “I’m here, if you need to talk. Or drink.”

She reached up to pat his hand. “Thank you.”

They stood for a few moments in companionable silence, looking at the wall, lost in their own thoughts. Eventually, Jessika closed her eyes and shook herself slightly, as if consciously waking herself up.

“I was looking for you to tell you – Goos wants you in the hangar. He’s working on Black One, needs your input.”

“Thanks,” said Poe. “I’ll go find him now. Catch you later.” He turned and started to walk away, but Jessika’s voice pulled him up short.

“Oh, and I ran into Major Kalonia. That Stormtrooper you’ve been trying to see, he’s cleared for visitors.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 20 steps to get from Finn’s bed to the wall at the far side of the ward, and the same back. 

On day 8, when he was first allowed out of bed to try it, he felt like he’d never walked before. His legs were like jelly, his back ached with each breath, and he could barely lift his left arm, which hung limply by his side. But days of staring into space, lost in his own head, had Finn desperate to do something to get himself moving, so he pushed himself through. His first trip to the far wall and back took 3 minutes, his second even longer as his muscles tried to adjust to being used again.

“I would advise against a third attempt,” warned the medical droid supervising him.

Finn ignored this, turned, and started across the room again, slowly putting one foot in front of the other, stopping between each step to steady himself. Reaching the wall and turning, he gritted his teeth and pushed himself back, desperately trying to make it to his own bed, which suddenly seemed to be miles away. He got to the end of his bed just as his legs started to buckle under him – hauling himself up onto the bed, he lay still for a few seconds, sweating and gulping for air.

“Nice work,” came a familiar voice from the door of the room. Finn rolled over to confirm that he wasn’t just hearing what he wanted to hear, and a massive grin broke across his face.

“Poe! Man, is it good to see you.”

“Same to you,” said Poe, walking across the room and grabbing Finn by the arm, helping him to get into a sitting position on the bed.

“Easy! Ahhh – OK, I’m good, I’m good,” said Finn, wincing as he adjusted the pillow behind him to support his back without pressing against the still-raw wound on his back.

Poe perched on the side of the bed, letting Finn get settled, beaming at him. Finn, once he was properly settled, took this in and snickered. 

“It’s that good to see me, is it?”

“It really is. For a few days there, it looked like you weren’t going to make it. And now you’re out of bed and walking again – it’s incredible.”

Finn looked away and shrugged. “It would be more incredible if I could walk a few metres without nearly falling over.”

“You will, soon,” said Poe. “For now, it’s just good to see you alive and awake. I was starting to think I’d never get the chance to pay you back – I’m pretty sure I owe you my life twice now. We’d have died trying to take out Starkiller if you guys hadn’t blown a hole for us.”

Finn was almost sure he was blushing. “It was nothing. Really, that part of the plan just…kinda happened. And it got Han killed.”

The smile faded from Poe’s face, but his gaze didn’t waver. “He knew what he was risking when he went up there. He’d happily have traded his life to save this base – and to save General Organa.”

It occurred to Finn that he had no idea how widely known the circumstances of Han’s death were – that he had been stabbed in cold blood by his own son. He kept his eyes on the wall, not sure how much he could say, or how much he wanted to.

Poe seemed to sense that he had strayed into territory Finn would rather not cover, and slid off the bed onto his feet. 

“Listen, I have to get to work – in fact, I’m technically at work now and really not meant to be here. But I’ll come back tomorrow, if that’s OK with you?”

Finn looked back up at him. “Yes, absolutely! Please, definitely come back. Come back as much as you like. I’m going insane in here.” After a few seconds he realised how this might sound. “And also it’s very good to see you,” he added, lamely.

Poe smiled. “Good to hear,” he said. “I’ll be back tomorrow. Don’t push yourself too hard.”

And with that, he was gone. Finn fully intended to ignore his advice and try another few laps once he got his breath back, but he quickly slipped into a sound sleep, body exhausted from even the minor exertion.

When he woke a few hours later, Major Kalonia was examining a report left by the medical droid.

“This is very positive,” she said. “I know you must feel awful, but the fact that you’re strong enough to stand means we can progress to more active treatments.”

‘More active’ turned out to be code for ‘extremely painful and invasive’, but when he woke up on his ninth day in the medical centre, he found himself able to properly lift his left arm for the first time, and he decided that he’d take whatever pain Kalonia could dish out if it meant an improvement in his condition.

He was looking forward to an appearance from Poe to break up his otherwise dreary day, but was surprised to find that his next visitor was a young blonde woman with her hair pulled into two tight buns, who he vaguely recognised from the war room meeting before the Starkiller assault. Striding over to his bed, she grabbed his hand and shook it firmly.

“Lieutenant Kaydel Ko. Pleasure to meet you properly,” she said brusquely.

“Likewise,” he said, thrown by the formality.

She noted his discomfort and smiled. “Call me Kaydel. And don’t worry, this isn’t an official meeting – well, not really. Admiral Statura asked me to come and see you.”

“That…that sounds pretty official,” said Finn, mind racing. Was this where they tried to press-gang him into service? Or kicked him out of their hospital and off their base? Or worse, was this the part where they ominously told him that he ‘knew too much’?

“It’s more pre-official,” she said. “He wanted you to have a heads-up. You’re due for discharge in 7 days, if your health allows for it. At that point, we’ll need you to make a choice. If you’re willing, we’d like you to stay here and join up properly. Your experience and inside knowledge of the Order would be invaluable to the Resistance. However, if you choose to leave, we can arrange safe passage out of here and away from the First Order, as a thanks for your service and assistance.”

Finn took this in, saying nothing. She seemed content to let the silence hang. After a few seconds he asked, “What does that mean, exactly? If I sign up?”

“It means you get a room, board, and a small monthly stipend. You accept that you’re part of an army, subject to training requirements and a code of discipline, and part of a command structure. You follow orders, and you understand that the Resistance will ask you to risk your life.”

Her voice softened a little as she continued. “Honestly, in practice, I don’t know what else it means right now. Things are chaotic around here at the moment. The assault on Starkiller saved the base and kept the Resistance alive, but we suffered heavy casualties. Right now we need more people basically everywhere – we’re desperate for money, bodies, supplies. We could use all the help we can get.”

She gave him a wry smile. “I know that must not sound like much of a deal, but I hope you’ll consider it. I’ll be around if you have any questions – ask one of the medical droids to send me a message. You’ll have until your discharge to make your mind up – Admiral Statura and I will come to see you then.”

She turned and started to walk out, but turned back as she reached the door. “Finn?” she said, sounding much more human. “A lot of us would be dead right now if it weren’t for you. No matter what you decide, I just wanted to say…thank you. Thank you so much.”

And with that, she left before he even had a chance to awkwardly demur. He spent the next hour lost in thought, turning her words over and over in his head. He was still off in his own world when Poe arrived, clutching a bag. Seeing his distraction, Poe dropped the bag and pulled up a chair, listening attentively as Finn explained what Lt. Ko had told him.

“So what’s the alternative?” Poe asked when Finn had finished. “Hitch a ride to the furthest planet we can get you to, and hope for the best?”

Finn gave a non-committal shrug. “I was going to, before. On Takodana. Just jump on a ship and get as far as I could, as fast as I could.”

Poe took this in, choosing his next words carefully. 

“Well, you were worried about the First Order hunting you down when you helped me escape. Since then, you’ve led the Resistance to their strongest base, killed their troops, helped take down their strongest warrior, and made sure the whole thing blew right the hell up. I feel like they might take an interest in finding you, even all the way out in Wild Space.”

Finn couldn’t deny that this made sense. “You think I’d be safe here?” he asked, uncertainly.

“Oh, no,” Poe said, kindly. “Absolutely not. The odds are still _incredibly_ high that they’ll kill you here.”

Finn stared back at him in slight shock, clearly not appreciating Poe’s go-to flippancy in the face of death. Feeling a little bit bad, Poe reached out and put his hand on Finn’s shoulder, rubbing it gently to try to calm him down.

“Look, I know that’s not the answer you want to hear. And I’m sorry for being blunt. But look at it this way – if you stay, you’ve got a whole load of people right here who will shelter you, protect you, and fight by your side. There’s people here who’d lay down their lives to save you. I know where I’d rather be if the First Order came knocking.”

Finn’s face began to relax a little, and he gave a slight nod of appreciation for the sentiment.

“And besides,” Poe smirked, “if you stay, there’s a good chance you’ll get to blow up a few more of their bases first.”

Finn was now caught between a smile and a glower. Poe gave his shoulder one last squeeze and a smile that he hoped treaded closer to ‘encouraging’ than ‘obnoxious’. 

After a few moments of silence, Finn spoke again. “’Lay down their lives for me’?” he asked, a deep layer of sarcasm under the question. “Really?”

Poe shrugged and grinned back. “Look, I never said it was Plan A…”

Finn laughed, and then caught himself as the movement jerked his back. He winced, adjusting his position in a futile attempt to relieve the pain. Poe looked on with sympathy, before reaching down to grab the bag he had brought with him.

“Well, here,” he said. “Some distractions to keep you occupied while you plot your future.”

Pulling out a small, circular disc with black and white markings on the top, he placed it on the locker next to Finn’s bed. He pressed a few buttons on the side of the disc and an array of holographic aliens appeared across the board. 

“Dejarik!” Finn exclaimed.

“You’ve played?” Poe asked, raising an eyebrow.

Finn gave him a gentle shove with his good arm. “Yeah, of course. We were allowed to do some things other than conditioning, training and saluting, you know.” Off Poe’s continued sceptical look, he added sheepishly, “I mean, we were allowed as long as they helped develop cognitive skills and tactical thinking…”

“And there it is,” said Poe with a grin. “There’s also this.”

He took out an earpiece and a small data drive. “Put it on,” he said, holding out the earpiece to Finn.

Confused, Finn slid it on. Poe hit a button on the data drive, and music started playing from the earpiece, brilliantly clear. Dozens of drums, with what sounded like a hundred voices chanting over them, joyful and defiant, laying out a rhythm that Finn could feel through every inch of his body. He closed his eyes, and for a few glorious moments he was out of the medical wing, far from D’Qar, utterly immersed in the beat and the music. He opened his eyes and saw Poe looking at him, waiting for a reaction.

“THAT’S AWESOME!” he said, unconsciously shouting over the music. Poe laughed and reached out to gently take the earpiece off; Finn winced as he realised what he had done. “I mean…that’s awesome,” he said in a more normal tone.

“Glad to hear it,” said Poe. “It’s a recording of traditional music from Yavin-4 – that’s where I grew up. I’ve done my share of time grounded in this place. I thought you might find it useful.”

“It’s perfect – thank you,” said Finn.

Poe shrugged and turned back to the gameboard. “C’mon – I’ve got a few minutes before I have to get back. You can show me how Stormtroopers play dejarik.”

The next few days passed far more pleasantly for Finn. His physical condition improved rapidly under Major Kalonia’s care, and the drudgery of the medical wing was broken up with frequent visits from Poe, who made an effort to call in at least once a day. Sometimes they played dejarik, or Poe filled him in on news of the outside world – for the most part, the situation remained unchanged. No news had filtered back from Rey either, though Poe reassured Finn that he’d pass on anything he heard as soon as he heard it – for now, all anyone knew was that she had gone on some kind of Jedi spirit quest to find Luke Skywalker. Finn took some comfort in knowing she was alright, though he would have given anything for her to still be on D’Qar.

More often, Poe entertained Finn with stories from his past, growing up the son of Rebel heroes, getting in and out of trouble on Yavin-4, learning to fly, joining the New Republic army and then the Resistance. Finn suspected heavy editorialising on Poe’s part, but he enjoyed imagining the cocky, confident pilot sitting in front of him as a nervous rookie, immobilising half a dozen friendly ships with a catastrophic misfiring of his Y-wing’s ion cannon. 

For his part, Finn wasn’t able to contribute much – his childhood and early training held far less in the way of wacky misadventures. Poe seemed to understand this, though, and was happy to listen to whatever Finn was willing to share without probing too much. Every now and then Finn caught a flicker of reaction on Poe’s face at the particularly strict elements of the rules he had grown up under – at the swift punishments meted out for any hint of disobedience or frivolity, and the tendency for any troopers guilty of these to disappear without warning. The more that Finn talked about it, the more alien it felt. Seeing it reflected in someone else’s face made it somehow both more awful and more distant, like a story that had happened to someone else. He found himself steering away from the worst elements of it, not wanting to see the quickly-disguised horror and pity in Poe’s eyes. If Poe noticed that he was holding back, however, he said nothing.

The one topic Finn steered particularly clear of was his plans for after his discharge. On the his 15th night in the ward, though, he bit the bullet and asked Poe something that had been building in his mind for a week.

“Why do you stay here?”

“With the Resistance?” Poe asked. Finn nodded, and Poe sat back in his chair, legs propped up on Finn’s bed, and considered the question. “Because I think it’s the right thing to do. I wish I had a better answer than that, but honestly, that’s it. The First Order are a threat to the whole galaxy; if there’s something I can do to help stop them, I want to do it.”

“So do I,” said Finn. “But I’m just…scared, I guess.”

“You’d be crazy if you weren’t. But you learn to deal with it.”

Finn shook his head. “Not scared of dying. Well, not just that. I’m just…I just escaped from being a number. From being a cog in a machine, and following orders, and everything that came with that. I don’t know if I want to go back to it. I don’t know if I want to give up my life again when I just got it back.”

“I understand that. And I wouldn’t blame you at all if you left. But this is a good cause, Finn. We’re fighting to protect people. I’m not going to tell you the Resistance is perfect, but we don’t massacre civilians, and we don’t annihilate planets.”

“Which is a plus,” offered Finn. 

Poe nodded mock-seriously. “Yeah, no, we’re adding that to the brochure.” He thought for a few more seconds, and spoke more heavily. “I guess…I don’t know what else I could do. I don’t know if I could live in a galaxy with the First Order and _not_ want to fight them. And maybe it’s futile. Maybe we’re fighting a war we can’t win – hell, maybe the next superweapon they build will be the one that finally wipes us out. I’d still want to try. I’d want to know in my last few seconds that I threw everything I had at the bastards; that there might be someone alive because I stood in the Order’s way, even once. Wouldn’t you?”

Finn felt a swell of admiration. “Now _that_ , they should put in the brochure.”

Poe snorted, clearly taking this for sarcasm, and gave Finn’s leg a kick. “Whatever. Just promise me you’ll think about it, OK? And besides,” he added with a smirk, “I’d miss you. I’ve gotten used to having you around to talk at.”

Finn snorted and gave him a gentle kick back. They lapsed into a comfortable silence for a few moments, before Poe stood and stretched out his back.

“I need to get some sleep if I’m going to be in any way functional tomorrow. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you, but if you do go, make sure you come by the hangar and say goodbye first, alright?”  
Finn nodded. To his surprise, Poe leant down and pulled him in for a hug, carefully avoiding the large bandage that still covered the left side of his back. After a moment, he reached up and hugged Poe back. 

“Sleep tight,” said Poe, releasing him and stepping back. “I’ll see you tomorrow either way.”

Finn, however, had made his mind up. He had the soundest sleep of his time in the medical wing, needing to be woken by Major Kalonia the following morning when she came to do a final round of tests.

“Full mobility,” she said approvingly as she manipulated his shoulder gently around. “And this wound is nearly fully healed.” She pressed a few buttons on the scanner next to his bed, and flicked through the readout with a hint of a smile on her face. “I’d say you’re ready to leave.”

Finn broke into a massive grin and grabbed the Major into a bear-hug. She looked startled, but chuckled as he let her go. “Most people just say ‘Thank you’,” she said.

“Finn.” A voice from the doorway cut across them both. Finn turned to see Admiral Statura watching him, Lieutenant Ko by his side. “It’s good to see you up and moving.”

“Thank you, Admiral,” said Finn, unable to hide his smile.

“I think you probably know why I’m here,” started Statura, but Finn cut him off.

“Yes sir, I do. I’m in. Sign me up.”


	2. Chapter 2

There was a single perfect cut through the back of Finn’s jacket. 

It could have been taken for some kind of high-concept fashion statement, if it weren’t surrounded on all sides by charred, scorched material.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d want to keep it,” said Poe. He had volunteered to show Finn to his new quarters – a small room, no bigger than 10 square meters, with a cot, a waist-high storage unit, and a brown flight jacket pinned to the wall, almost like a banner. Finn stared at it, suddenly highly aware of the tingling emanating from his scar. If he’d closed his eyes, he knew he’d have been able to hear the hum of Ren’s lightsaber, and feel the chill winds of Starkiller on his face.

Poe’s voice drifted in through his thoughts. “I don’t know if it’s just a pilot thing, but a lot of us keep stuff. Symbols, trophies, whatever you want to call them. I have a whole drawer full of them. I just thought you might want a reminder – it’s way too damaged to patch it back up anyway.”

“A reminder?” Finn didn’t look away from the jacket.

“Well, yeah. Your first resistance mission, your first base destroyed, your first time surviving a lightsaber to the back. I’d want to remember those.” Poe left this to hang for a moment, watching Finn’s face closely. “Or I could take it away and burn it, and we could never speak of this again?”

“No,” Finn said, turning to look at him properly. “I want it. Thank you.” His voice was heavy, and he looked like he was struggling to say more. 

Poe cut him off, understanding the mix of emotions he must be feeling. “Any time.” He nodded towards the storage unit. “I requisitioned some standard clothing for you, but it’ll be a while before you can get off-world and actually get some things of your own. For now, your future’s going to feature a lot of greige tunics and unflattering jumpsuits.”

Finn grinned, appreciating the change of subject. “Sounds about as fun as all-white armour.”

Poe shrugged. “We do what we can. C’mon,” he said, gesturing over his shoulder. “I’ll show you the rest. I’m five doors down on right, then there’s a washroom. Then I’ll show you the mess.”

“Lead the way,” said Finn. He took one last look around his new quarters. It was small and grey, and in so many ways it was just like what he’d left behind on the Finalizer, but with one difference. A difference that now looked ugly as hell and still smelt like burned leather, but a crucial one. Finn smiled as he tapped the control panel to send the door sliding shut.

“And I want to hear more about your drawer.”

Poe chuckled. “Honestly? Most of it is pieces of metal they’ve dug out of me at some point, or pieces of ships I’ve crashed. And one particular piece of landspeeder that I impaled myself on during a crash. Apparently it nearly killed me.”

“Well I can see why you’d want to remember _that_.”

Poe shoved him without breaking stride.

“You know, technically I’m your commanding officer, Cadet Finn,” he said, his tone light. “I could have you kicked off this base in a heartbeat.”

“True,” said Finn, shoving him back. “But you’d miss me.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There were 5 of the highest-ranking members of the Resistance gathered in a dimly-lit room as General Organa gave a strategic update.

“The Republic will declare war,” she announced. “The only question is when. The majority of the Senate and the political leaders of every Republic planet were wiped out in the destruction of the Hosnian system. Those that remain are pre-occupied with shoring up support in their home territories. There will be dozens of elections over the next few months.”

“Naturally,” spat Admiral Statura. “Where would we be without pointless, time-wasting elections?”

“We’d be living under an Emperor answerable to no-one,” said Organa, sharply. “The bureaucratic trappings of the Republic make it slower to act, but without the legitimacy this round of elections will provide, any war effort would be immediately undercut.”

“How do we know the new Senators will support it?” asked Admiral Ackbar.

“Commander Sella’s final communications indicated that the political powers within the Republic were leaning in that direction even before the First Order openly attacked them. My contacts across the Republic have indicated that the mood has shifted considerably in the past two weeks; even those who had been pushing for non-violent engagement with the First Order are eager to retaliate.”

“What does that mean for us right now?” asked Poe. The politics of the Republic were largely uninteresting to him, at least compared to the goals of the Resistance, and how they would impact on his people.

General Organa pressed a button on her control panel, and the holographic display projected a half dozen system maps with red spots highlighted in each.

“We’re tracking First Order activity in a number of their known bases. From what we can tell, they’re as scattered as we are. Unfortunately, the bulk of their leadership appears to have made it off Starkiller alive, but their forces are depleted and the destruction of their indestructible base has damaged morale, and weakened their control.”

“How soon do we plan to relocate?” asked Statura.

“I have a team reviewing options,” said Organa. “But it’s not an immediate concern. The First Order are dealing with internal revolt as well as continued skirmishes with New Republic forces. Right now, they don’t have the resources to spare for a full assault on D’Qar.”

She hit another button and the screen on the wall came to life, flashing up lists of every active member of the Resistance stationed on D’Qar or in any surrounding system. They were divided into different groupings – starfighter pilots, ground units, intelligence, analysts, and more. 

“For now, we consolidate. Pull back whatever troops we can to nearby systems, focus on rebuilding and getting ready. We’ll maintain reconnaissance efforts to track the First Order’s plans, but we’re in no shape to take them on right now.”

She looked around the table.

“For the next few months, we will effectively be a training base. We’re already seeing a massive influx of volunteers, without anywhere near the equipment or credits that we’d like – we need to train them up and get them battle-ready, and fast. When the Republic is ready to act, we need to be too. Work together, support each other, and let’s be ready when the First Order picks itself back up. Any questions?”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There were 10 long days before Finn would be medically cleared to take on any kind of training or arduous physical activity.

At first, he was worried he’d find himself bored again during this time, but his worries were quickly assuaged. Statura and Ko brought him in for what felt like endless debriefing sessions, looking for every detail he could possible give them on First Order activities and protocols. He understood the importance of this, but it was hard not to feel like they were being excessive – he had trouble seeing how most of it would be of any actual use in a battle. Moreover, a lot of it was deeply embarrassing, both in the details of what their training had involved (explaining to Resistance members just how frequently he had killed holographic version of them and their friends was slightly awkward) and in the details that had slipped by him. He found himself answering so many of their questions with “I never noticed” or “I never thought about that” that, by the end, he was sure they must think he was some kind of half-witted goon who could barely hold a blaster the right way. Ko tried to reassure him after one particularly unfruitful session, telling him kindly when Statura was out of earshot that he was doing great, but Finn found this hard to believe. 

In between debriefing sessions Statura had him running a battery of tests, assessing his marksmanship, combat abilities, technical knowledge, and more. He was given a series of aptitude tests ranging from the standard (assessing his knowledge of non-Basic languages) to the thoroughly bizarre (including a test that involved assembling a series of small blocks into a larger shape, the purpose of which was unclear). Ko took him through a range of flight and combat simulators – nothing as advanced as what he had trained with under the First Order, but familiar enough that he was relatively sure that in this, at least, he wasn’t showing himself up too badly.

The rest of his days were more pleasant, if no less busy. His physical therapy with Major Kalonia continued to yield excellent results, and he was starting to think he’d be fitter at the end of his rehabilitation than he was when he first fled from the Finalizer. He had taken to spending his few free hours in the hangar, where Poe had introduced him to Goos Toowers, who looked after mechanical support for the starfighters. Poe and the rest of his team spent the bulk of their days training with younger pilots and running test flights on newly-repaired vehicles, but Finn was able to be of some use to Goos and learn a lot about starfighter maintenance at the same time. BB-8 was particularly delighted to have him around – although Finn still couldn’t understand a word the droid said, he enjoyed the way it rushed to meet him when he arrived, buzzing through his legs, beeping excitedly.

Poe made sure to keep a close eye on him during his downtime, checking in on him between shifts and pulling him over to sit with the other pilots at designated mealtimes. Poe seemed to be widely liked among everyone on the base – Finn noticed that virtually everyone had a smile or a nod or a cheerful “Hi!” for Poe as they passed him, and it was extremely rare that Poe would make it from the hangar across the base and into the living quarters without someone stopping to talk to him. In turn, Poe seemed to have time for everyone, and a constant willingness to listen. Finn found himself introduced to dozens of people in his first few days of medical wing freedom, most of whom blurred into one uniform-wearing mass. Poe, however, seemed to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of each of them, inquiring about spouses, children, animals, ailments, grievances, pet projects and more, to the point that Finn was quietly sure he must be keeping files in his quarters for revision and study.

In spite of this, Poe (and by extension Finn) spent the bulk of his time with his squadron-mates, Jessika Pava and Snap Wexley. Jessika was a beautiful, imposing brunette who Finn was relatively sure could, at a push, shoot lasers directly from her eyes. Snap, by contrast, couldn’t have been less imposing – he was chubby, usually unshaven, and seemed barely-coordinated on the ground. From what Poe said, though, he was an incredibly precise and delicate pilot, and the Resistance’s go-to scout. Between Finn’s help in the hangar and Poe’s implicit personal endorsement, Finn found himself quickly treated like one of the flight team family.

Finn also noticed a number of other newcomers being shown around – every day, there seemed to be new faces crowding into the mess at mealtimes. 

“They’re new volunteers,” Snap explained when he asked about it. “The most I’ve ever seen in such a short space of time – they’re even starting a new training cycle to manage them.”

“Training cycle?”

“We run training for new cadets in blocks,” said Poe. “When volunteers first arrive, they spend a few weeks or months helping out with menial work and getting assessed. If they’re good enough, they get assigned to a squad – people who do well in the flight sim get sent to us, the really smart ones get sent to analytics, and so on. Every few months, we start a new batch of people training – it makes it a lot easier to manage, and makes sure everyone trains up with a group around them.”

“But now that we have a load of newbies, we have to move things around a bit,” added Jessika. “The new block starts in three days.”

Finn felt a flicker of excitement. In three days, he should be cleared for action by Kalonia – he had expected to wait far longer before the Resistance had any real use for him, but from the sounds of it, he could be training by the end of the week. Privately, he wondered what stream he’d be sent into – ground troops seemed most likely, but his insider First Order knowledge might be best used in a control room somewhere. The thought didn’t exactly excite him, but he figured if he was going to be of use to the Resistance, he’d do it wherever they thought they could best use him.

In the end, he didn’t have to wait long for an answer. Admiral Statura arrived the next day at his final medical review with Major Kalonia, and broke the news as she was testing his shoulder mobility.

“Flight training?!” said Finn, incredulously. “Are you sure?”

“It wouldn’t be my preference,” said Stature bluntly. “I’m developing a new commando unit that I think would benefit greatly from your presence. That said, we need new X-Wing pilots far more urgently, and Commander Dameron indicated that you previously displayed solid aptitude and rapid learning capacity as a gunner.”

Finn considered this an extremely generous interpretation of his and Poe’s brief stint in a TIE fighter, but he was willing to take it either way.

“Of course,” added Statura, “this is all dependent on you receiving physical clearance.”

“No complaints from me,” said Major Kalonia, making notes on a portable data recorder. “His wounds are completely healed, and his muscles have nearly recovered. He’s ready to begin training in whatever stream you decide.”

Finn beamed at her, and then at Statura. “I won’t let you down!” he declared confidently.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took Finn 5 days to wash out of pilot training.

He had known going in that his natural aptitude may not lie in flying of any kind. He had, like every other high-ability Stormtrooper cadet, been tested in the First Order’s flight simulators. His underwhelming results compared to his abilities on the ground with a blaster ensured that he never made it into the cockpit of a real fighter. He was sure, though, that with good training and a lot of focus on his part, he could become an ace pilot.

He was completely wrong. He started in a squad with three other trainee pilots, all of whom were also new to D'Qar, but all of whom had significantly more real-world experience behind the controls of a ship than he did. 

His basic knowledge of starfighter maintenance left him well on par with the group on his first day, and his on-par performance in flight sim testing gave him a false sense of confidence that disappeared as soon as he actually got into a cockpit. His first disaster involved retracting the landing gear of an A-Wing which was still grounded, resulting in a sudden, sharp downward drop for both him and his co-pilot and assigned mentor, Jessika. Once in the air, he was competent, but unimpressive; his reactions were excellent, and earned him at least one positive “Hmm” from Jessika as they ran through a basic exercise, but he found himself getting flustered at the controls under pressure. Part of him wanted to blame his injury, his stern tutor, the sun, an unfavourable wind, or pretty much anything but himself, but on a deeper level he knew that this just wasn’t something he was good at. 

His feeling was cemented on day 5, when he fell behind on pre-flight checks on his A-Wing, and rushed through the setup of his machine once he and Pava were inside. As he fired up the engines and readied for lift-off, she barked over his shoulder, “You haven’t engaged your deflector shields.”

“Right!” he said. “Got it!” At which point he flipped two switches to the right of his head, pressed a blue button on the panel to his left, and accidentally fired a concussion missile.  
Finn watched in horror as the missile shot through the open hangar door, hurtling mercifully wide of any inhabited space, shooting merrily over the forest next to the base and detonating about a kilometre south, several hundred metres above ground level. 

Jessika was seated behind him, but he could feel her eyes boring into the back of his neck.

“Out. Now.”

And so Finn’s brief, non-illustrious career as a starfighter pilot came to an end.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 26 minutes on a landspeeder to get to the lake.

Poe obliquely suggested that he and Finn head there during his brief dismissal of Finn from the starfighter stream.

“You don’t have to feel bad, honestly,” said Finn. “If you don’t kick me out now, I’ll quit.”

“I appreciate that. Although, for the record, I don’t feel bad about it at all. I’ll arrange for your transfer to another unit where you won’t ever be asked to get in a pilot’s seat again.” 

Finn nodded resignedly. “Thank you. And I really am sorry.”

Poe gave him a gentle smack on the head. “Don’t be stupid. There’s nothing to be sorry about – I snagged you for my unit without even asking. I should’ve talked to you first.”  
He looked around to see if anyone else was nearby. “Listen, it’ll take a day for this to get sorted out, and I’m due a few hours off. Keep tomorrow morning free, OK?”

Finn nodded, not quite sure what he was agreeing to, but figuring that this was not the time to disagree with Poe.

“Great! I’ll explain later – for now, head back to your quarters.”

And that was how Finn found himself the following morning at a lake, 40 kilometres away from the base, being handed a standard ration pack and a bottle of water. He gazed out over the rocky beach in front of him, over the still water that seemed to stretch out for miles, rippling with a gentle breeze.

Poe grabbed food of his own from the storage box on the back of the speeder, flopped down onto a nearby slope of grass, and motioned to Finn to join him.  
“I figured you could use a bit of non-base time,” said Poe, when Finn had sat down. “Not to assume too much, but your performance over the last few days has seemed…well, stressed.”

Finn laughed grimly. “That’s a word. There are others.”

Poe shrugged. “If it helps, you’re far from the worst I’ve ever seen.” Off Finn’s sceptical look, he nodded emphatically. “Oh yeah. For one thing, there were no casualties with your accidental discharge. I don’t think you’re appreciating enough how lucky that was.”

Finn felt a little bit like vomiting.

Poe seemed to see that his words weren’t having the intended effect, and changed tack.

“This is my favourite place to relax – well, my favourite place on the ground. I come here whenever I need to be away from the base for a little while. I mean, listen to that. Just close your eyes and listen.”

Finn did as instructed. He could hear the faint sound of lake water lapping up on the shore, a slight rustling nearby from something small moving in the grass – away from them, from the sounds of it – and that was it. Nothing else. None of the background base noises that he was already learning to tune out – no clanking, no alarms, no beeps, whistles, clangs or clatters. No voices yelling, or boots clomping. No stress, no hassle.

He opened his eyes and smiled. 

“I see what you mean.” 

Poe smiled back. 

“Well, enjoy it while you can. I spoke to Statura. You start in his commando unit tomorrow.”

Finn contemplated this. Poe seemed to take his silence for disappointment, throwing an arm over his shoulder.

“Hey, are you OK?”

Finn nodded. “Absolutely. Look, being a pilot would have been cool, but I had a feeling from the start that it wasn’t going to work.” He wondered whether or not to say the rest of what he was thinking – something about the privacy of the lakeside vista let him speak freely. “Honestly, I’m mostly sad that I won’t get to work with you and the others.”

Poe gave him a squeeze. “We are pretty awesome.”

Finn laughed in spite of himself, and shrugged Poe’s arm off.

“You know, with that attitude, you’re actually helping a lot with the disappointment.”

“Happy to be of service,” Poe said with a cheesy grin. “And look, you’ll still see us around. We’re hard to shake. Just…maybe let Jess cool off a bit.”

Finn nodded fervently. “Absolutely.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There were 5 other cadets in Finn’s commando training.

Four of them were new to him; half-recognised from the base, but not people he’d ever talked to. The fifth, though, was not.

“Kaydel?”

She gave him a curt nod. 

“Cadet Finn.” Clearly, she was in ‘business’ mode today. 

“Good to see you,” he said, aiming to match her tone. “What are you doing here?”

She gave him a wry smile. “I decided it was time I put in some work outside of a control room.”

Before she could explain any further, Admiral Statura strode into the room where they had been told to assemble.

“Alright,” he said, as if to quiet them, although to room had fallen deathly silent on his entrance. “Cadet Finn has joined us today from another stream. Finn, you’ll be expected to keep up despite being late to join us.” Finn expected nothing else, and gave a sharp nod. 

“We’re starting with hand-to-hand,” said Statura, wasting absolutely no time. “Grab a crash mat and pair off.”

Finn found that his Stormtrooper training, so useless in flight training, served him well here. He could hold himself in a fist fight, was physically on a par with the rest of the class in their fitness training, and excelled on the firing range. The rest of the class was similarly talented – clearly, he wasn’t the only one coming from previous combat training. He was surprised in particular by Lt. Ko, who in spite of her slight frame was an excellent combatant and outstanding markswoman. When they were dismissed for lunch, he fell into stride beside her.

“That was pretty impressive,” he said. “How come you’re not in the field already?”

“Pretty impressive yourself,” she shot back. “And it’s complicated.” Taking in his questioning gaze, she continued. “The short version is that when I arrived here my talents were far more suited to analytics and mission control. I’ve been trying for nearly a year to get transferred into an active unit, so when Admiral Statura told me about this squadron, I jumped at the chance. A few months from now, we’ll be out in the field.”

Finn appreciated that she was implicitly assuming that they’d both make it through the training – Statura had made it clear that anyone falling short of his standards would be unceremoniously ejected. Finn had already decided that even if it literally killed him, there was no way he was letting himself wash out of two separate training programmes within the Resistance. 

In the mess, he and Kaydel joined onto a table with the other commandos. Kaydel quickly introduced everyone to him, adding names to what he had already picked up from training. There were two humans – Dur’en Obee, a Naboo woman with a shock of bright red hair, cut short and spiked, who talked incessantly but was clearly extremely sharp, and Leekh Ashana, a Correlian man with long dark hair, who seemed for the most part to be barely paying attention, but who had proved exceptionally accurate on the firing range. The others were a Galacian male named Furen Cheei, with pale blue skin and no hair, who said little but seemed constantly watchful, and a massive Keshiri male who went only by “Jokko”, with bright violent skin and hair and a loud, friendly manner, who Finn had previously noticed around the base but never spoken to. Finn had trouble seeing how he would even function as a spy when he seemed to be the very definition of “conspicuous”, but his size and sheer strength made him the strongest hand-to-hand combatant by a distance. 

A sort of rapport had already developed within the group, led largely by Dur’en and Leekh, and Finn spent most of his first meal with the team sitting quietly and nodding along when appropriate, learning more about his new squadmates. As he had guessed, he wasn’t the only one with a military background – Dur’en had served in the security detail of the current Queen of Naboo, Jokko seemed to have been a mercenary of some description, and Furen and Leekh had both defected from the New Republic army after the destruction of the Hosnian system. All of them had arrived in the past few weeks, and Finn got the distinct impression that all of them had known someone killed in the attacks, based on the wave of tight, awkward anger and sadness that washed over the table when the system was mentioned.

At one point, he noticed Poe passing with the rest of the pilots – they exchanged a quick nod of acknowledgement, but Poe knew better than to interrupt Finn while he was bonding with his new training stream, and Finn had no desire to further separate himself from the rest of the group. 

The rest of the week, however, passed in much the same way – Finn’s training was intensive enough that he fell into bed immediately after the evening meal every day, while Poe was busy enough with his batch of trainees that they barely exchanged more than a few words during the days. Finn noticed that his sleep had improved significantly – for the first time since his days in the medical wing, he went two nights in a row where his dreams remained totally free of Kylo, Starkiller or the First Order. 

On the fifth day of Finn’s commando training, Statura dismissed them with a rare compliment (“Not totally inadequate”) and let them know that they’d have the next day off. The   
entire class, however, was too exhausted to even think about taking advantage of the night off, and wished each other goodnight at the end of dinner. Finn felt it was a testament to how quickly they were bonding as a unit that no one even suggested any more strenuous activity. He slumped back to his quarters, stopping only to take a painfully hot shower to unkink every one of his muscles. Back in his room, he was idly weighing up whether to do his rehab exercises straight away or procrastinate until morning when someone knocked at his door.

Gingerly picking himself up, he opened the door to see Poe standing outside, clutching a bottle of something golden-brown and two cups that he had clearly pinched from the mess. 

“I haven’t seen you in a week. We’re drinking this, now,” said Poe, matter-of-factly.

Finn grinned, feeling instantly revitalised. He stood back and gestured at Poe to come in.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 8 glasses home-made ‘whiskey’ to leave Finn inescapably horizontal.

Poe claimed to only be keeping him company on his bed, but Finn suspected that he was every bit as exhausted. Along with all of his regular duties, he was responsible for training the future of the Starfighter Corps, including finding a replacement pilot a week into the training cycle, which Finn felt at least partially responsible for. 

Each of them clutched an almost-empty cup; the bottle was on the ground, still half-full but forgotten for now. 

“I can’t believe you’re allowed to have alcohol on-base,” Finn had said after the first glass. Poe snickered and topped up his drink, whispering in a faux-sotto voice “Technically, we’re not, but don’t tell the admirals…”

A few follow-up questions on the provenance of the ‘whiskey’ revealed that most of the mid-to-high ranking officers kept personal stashes of some kind, from the highest (properly made alcohol quietly brought back after off-world trips) to the lowest (bathtub concoctions brewed and consumed in an open secret, where as long as the senior officers on-base never had to directly confront the effects, they were OK with whatever happened).

Finn wasn’t totally sure at what point they’d relocated from sitting upright on his bed to lying down, facing each other, glasses precariously balanced in between them. He was, however, relishing having some training stories of his own to tell Poe, to finally be able to keep up with the flight school tales of derring-do.

“And then Kaydel – shh! ssh! – she disarmed Jokko,” he said, both of them trying to stifle their laughter. “Just kicked the blaster right out of his hand. And then she grabbed him and tried to flip him.”

Poe clutched his stomach, shaking with silent mirth. “He’s like two feet taller than her! And a hundred kilograms heavier! And Keshiri! How?!”

“She just couldn’t,” whispered Finn. “I don’t think he even realised what was happening at first. She just backed into him, grabbed his arm and started grunting and pulling him at her back. It must have seemed like…I dunno…like a mating dance, or something.”

And the two of them broke down again. Finn managed to stop himself hyperventilating long enough to try to take a swig of whiskey, but found his glass empty; he noticed Poe’s was similarly vacant, but the bottle seemed to be a million miles away, and his bed was incredibly comfortable.

“This place is so, so, so much better than my last training,” Finn said, feeling unusually open. 

Poe’s eyes focused a little more, his mind registered on some level that this was an important statement.

“Tell me about it,” he said.

Finn shrugged. “I dunno. Like this, but worse.”

He wished there was more whiskey, but the bottle felt very far away.

“I mean, we didn’t know each other, not really. There was no secret drinking. No real names – or, well, real-ish. No fun. Nothing funny ever happened. I hadn’t laughed in…man, I don’t know.”

Poe reached out and rubbed his arm. “I can’t even imagine what it must have been like.”

Finn chuckled. “You would’ve hated it. Mr. Fancy Everyone Loves You. It was masks on pretty much all the time. No faces. No celebrities. Just unity. Weird, creepy unity.”

Poe gave his arm a threatening squeeze, but didn’t let go. “Shut up. That is not at all what I’m like.”

Finn beamed back at him, which seemed easier than words. “Is.”

Poe mulled a little more on what he had just said. “So…masks on? Does that mean…I mean, does that mean that you guys never…you know? Or was it just…like, super-kinky? Like, no-kissing, no-names, never-speak-of-it-again?”

Finn could have sworn his face was about catch fire. “There was…I mean, we did stuff. You can’t lock that many people up together and not have something happen. It was just quick, and quiet. And not at all kinky. And minimal kissing. Just fast.”

Poe looked at him with some mix of horror and sympathy.

“That’s almost worse. Weird kinks, fine. But always on a speed run…you mean you’ve never just properly kissed someone? Without worrying that you were going to be caught and ‘reprogrammed’?”

Finn shrugged. “It was what it was. No point in whining about it now.”

Poe’s eyes focused properly on Finn’s; Finn felt like he was locked into a pair of tractor beams, utterly unable to look away.

“No. But you’re never too late,” said Poe. And he leant forward and gently kissed Finn – a short, simple peck on the lips. Finn hesitated for a moment – a low voice in his head quietly screaming at him to back right away – and then ignored every good instinct that he had and leaned into Poe, kissing him back. 

Poe’s hand dropped from Finn’s arm to the small of his back, pulling him closer. At the same time he deepened the kiss, moving his lower hand up to Finn’s face to pull him tight. Finn responded in kind, grabbing on to Poe’s waist with his free hand – his lower hand was awkwardly trapped between them, and he was too pre-occupied to move it.  
For a few glorious moments, Finn was utterly lost in the kiss – his lips gliding over Poe’s, their tongues gently exploring each other, stubble scraping against his face, feeling a rough, calloused hand against his face, feeling the hint of Poe’s skin in the gap between his shirt and his waistband, burning hot against Finn’s own hand. He wasn’t sure who broke first, but he found himself breathing hard, still clutching Poe tight to him, faces millimetres apart. Part of him desperately wanted to kiss Poe again; another part was desperately screaming at him to pull away, years of conditioning trying to tell him that this much contact with a fellow solider was a violent breach of the rules. 

He settled for the middle ground between the two, working his lower arm free and bringing it up to strokes Poe’s face. Poe seemed to understand; he didn’t try to kiss Finn again, but moved his lower arm so it was directly under Finn’s head, acting as a makeshift pillow. Finn wriggled his head up onto it, and the two of them lay there, staring wordlessly into each other’s eyes, holding on as if the slightest wisp of the outside world was unacceptable.

Finn wasn’t sure who fell asleep first, but he woke the next morning with a crick in his neck and an ache in his head, alone in his bed with the cover half-pulled over him. He managed to sit up in bed; he was trying to weigh the relative merits of a brief run to the washroom when his door beeped and started to slide open.

Poe walked in bearing two bottles of water and a plate of breakfast rations. Wordlessly, he shoved himself onto Finn’s bed, perching on Finn’s left and placing the plate across both their laps, passing a bottle to Finn before he started to pick at the food himself. Sitting fully upright, Finn gratefully broke open the bottle and slugged down half of it in a few thirsty gulps. He moved onto the food, and for a few minutes they wordlessly ploughed through it. Finn only stopped when his stomach lurched, and he began to feel the need to lie down.

As the hunger and thirst dissipated, Finn became severely aware of the fact that he and Poe were sitting extremely close without touching. Testing the waters, he reached over to squeeze Poe’s thigh, murmuring a low “Thanks” for the food and water.

Poe swallowed his own food, and reached over lazily, bending his right arm back to stroke Finn’s cheek. With the lightest pressure, he turned Finn’s face towards his own and leant over to kiss him again. Finn leant deeply into it, painfully aware of how bad his own breath must be, but somewhat comforted by the fact that Poe tasted distinctly less fresh than the night before. After a few seconds, Poe leant back and looked him dead in the eye.

“Look, Finn…this doesn’t have to mean anything, if you don’t want it to. You’ve been through a really, really crazy few weeks. If this is just a friendly…thing, that’s OK.” Finn contemplated this silently; Poe leant in to give him another peck on the lips to punctuate the statement, then slid the near-empty plate back onto his own lap. Placing it onto the bedside storage unit, he swung his legs off the bed and stood, only the slightest wobble in his stance. 

“I have to get to training,” he declared decisively, as if saying this would get him there. “I’ll see you later.”

Finn found himself sitting alone his room, hungover, dehydrated and nauseous, staring at the door that had just closed, wondering what the hell he was going to do.


	3. Chapter 3

There was, for all intents and purposes, a holding pattern in effect for the next 10 days. 

Finn saw Poe again at dinner that night, and sat with the pilots’ crew, but neither of them acted in any way other than they would have a week previously. They laughed, they joked, they acted entirely normally, and at the end of the night they awkwardly said goodnight in the corridor. There was a half-second where Finn was sure one of them was going to say or do something, but then another soldier walked by and the moment was broken. 

He went back to his own quarters and sat upright on his bed, staring at the wall, rolling back over the question he’d been weighing up all day – what should he do next? Absolutely nothing in his life had prepared him for this. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Poe, or that he hadn’t liked kissing him. It was just that he had no real idea what came beyond that, and if that was something he wanted, and if so whether he wanted it with Poe, and every time he tried to think about it his brain just started spinning in circles. And it didn’t help that he had no idea what Poe wanted – was his offer of letting it just be a one-off him being nice, or a subtle hint that it _was_ just a drunk mistake? 

And so, paralysed with indecision, he made no decision at all, opting to let things continue exactly as they had been. This was helped considerably by their schedules – Finn in particular found his training workload increasing considerably as they moved beyond combat basics and into more developed infiltration techniques and tradecraft. He and his fellow cadets spent almost all of their time outside of training brushing up on their skills and doing wider reading on every single piece of analytical data that the Resistance had assembled on the First Order. Finn had never imagined that being trained up as a commando could have involved so much study. He still saw Poe almost daily, but never alone and never for more than a brief hello-goodbye, and always with a slight stilted edge which Finn had no idea if he was imagining or not.

Two weeks to the day after it had happened, he saw Poe walking out of the hangar alone and decided that he needed to just bite the bullet, even if he wasn’t sure what he was actually going to say. He half-jogged over to him and fell into step; Poe greeted him warmly.

“Listen,” said Finn. “I feel like we should probably talk, or something-”

“No need,” Poe cut across him, in a perfectly cheerful tone. “We’re good, man.”

Finn’s confusion must have shown, because Poe stopped walking and turned to face him properly. “Really, Finn, we’re fine. I meant what I said – you’ll always be my friend, nothing could change that.”

Finn nodded slowly. “OK. Good. That’s good!”

And it was, sort of. This seemed to be a pretty clear message from Poe that the whiskey night wasn’t about to be repeated, and in a way Finn was relieved to be let off the hook of having to actually figure it out for himself. The slight sting of disappointment was more than outweighed by the extremely pleasant idea of everything just going back to normal.

“Poe! We need you back here!” Snap’s voice boomed from inside the hangar, and Poe made an apologetic face at Finn.

“Sorry, gotta run.” He started to walk away, then caught himself and turned back. “Listen, one of the other squadrons is arriving back tonight from a posting in the Deep Core. We’re having a kind of a thing to welcome them back, just the pilots. A bit of bathtub liquor, a few games of cards, just something to destress everyone a bit. You should come – you _were a pilot_ , briefly.”

“Sounds good,” said Finn, truly meaning it – a night of destressing sounded pretty perfect.

“Great! I’ll come by your quarters after dinner.” Poe strolled back towards the hangar, and Finn turned to head back to the main base. He wasn’t sure if that had gone well, or even what ‘going well’ would have looked like, but he knew it hadn’t gone badly, and that felt like enough of a win.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It had taken Poe 4 days to crack.

For the first few days after he and Finn had kissed, he had managed to stay the picture of calm, cool and collected. By day 4, however, he was entirely sure that Finn was avoiding him, utterly certain that it was as a precursor to ending their friendship, and more than a little perturbed at how much the entire situation was throwing him. And so he talked to Jessika.

“You made out with a Stormtrooper?!” she said incredulously.

“Ex! Ex-Stormtrooper! And…yes.”

She chuckled and shook her head.

“Wow. Your ability to pick ‘em continues to impress.”

“As does your ability to be of no help whatsoever.”

“What do you expect me to do? Here, hand me that hydrospanner.”

Poe tossed it to her, and she went to work on the left engine of her X-Wing.

“And since when -nngh- does Poe Dameron -nngh- moon around over some kid?” she said, grunting with exertion as she pried a broken piece loose. “Got it!” she gasped as it popped out; Poe tossed her a rag without a word, which she caught and started rubbing against the engine component, wiping off the accumulated layers of oil and dirt.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m not mooning.” Off her look, he threw up his hands innocently. “I’m not! I just…crap. I think I actually like him. This is a really bad idea, isn’t it?”

She stared back at him. “You mean because he’s, like, a decade younger than you, and you’re technically his commanding officer, and he’s spent his whole life being conditioned into being a pawn for a fascist cult, and you barely know him outside of insanely stressful life-or-death situations? Yeah, Poe, I’d say it’s a really, really terrible idea.”

Poe shook his head. “You’re totally right.”

“I usually am.”

“I’m an idiot.”

“You usually are.”

“I need to shut this down.”

She hesitated. “You need to do what you think is right. If you think he’s worth the risk, well, what do I know?” She finished tinkering with the engine component she had taken out and slammed it roughly back into place. “It’s not like my own love life is setting the galaxy on fire. Just…be careful, OK?”

Poe nodded. “I will be. I just need to make it clear to him that his friendship is what matters to me, and anything more than that is a bonus, and totally up to him.”

Jessika raised an eyebrow at him. “Right. Sounds easy.”

And so, when Finn had approached Poe outside the hangar, he had immediately rushed to reassure him that their friendship came first and, when Finn seemed to be reacting to that with scepticism, had invited him to hang out that very night.

“Nicely done, Dameron,” he muttered to himself as he walked back into the hangar, leaving Finn standing confused in the middle of the runway. “Cleared that one _right_ up.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There were at least 60 different rules and variations involved in whatever card game they were playing, and Finn was pretty sure they were just making new ones up as they went along.

Poe had picked him up from his room a few hours earlier and brought him to the hangar, which was locked from the inside. One secret knock later, the two of them were in, joining about 20 others made up of starfighter pilots, trainees and ground crew. Most of them gave Finn a welcoming nod, with the exception of Jessika, who looked slightly put off by his presence. Finn assumed she must still be sore about his disastrous training experience, and gave her an apologetic wave that she acknowledged with a curt nod. He noticed a few new faces, and assumed that these were the squadron whose arrival was being used as the excuse for this party.

Someone shoved a cup of something into his hand – it was less strong than whatever Poe had managed to brew up, for which Finn was grateful – and Poe steered him over to a table that most of the others were gathered around. There was some kind of game underway that Finn didn’t recognise – everyone had cards, and piles of plastic chips in front of them that he assumed represented credits. There was a pair of dice covered in coloured shapes that people were taking turns to throw, and clearly the dice rolls plus the cards people were playing combined in some way to win or lose them credits and…at that point, Finn’s understanding broke down completely.

“200 credits buy-in,” said Snap, who seemed to be acting as the dealer.

“I got it,” said Poe, tossing a couple of credit chips across the table.

“You don’t have to do that,” said Finn.

Poe looked at him sceptically. “Have you been paid yet? Got any credits yourself?”

Finn shook his head.

“Well then you can pay me back for this when you have it,” said Poe simply. Pulling over two chairs, he and Finn joined onto the table, where Snap dealt them cards and plastic chips.

Several hours later, Finn still had an extremely limited grasp of what was happening. He had followed along with what others were doing, putting out cards whenever they did, trying to match up to other players. Everyone seemed happy to let him muddle his way through, correcting him when he did something wrong. In spite of his total confusion, Finn was loving every minute of it, largely because the game was punctuated by frequent breaks when players ran out of chips and were eliminated, to refill drinks and banter back and forth with the rest of the flight team. He was briefly introduced to two of the newly arrived squadron, Iolo and Karé, whose names rang a bell from Poe’s stories of his time in the New Republic army – for the most part, though, he left Poe to catch up with them privately.

Through some combination of beginner’s luck and the occasional sotto pieces of advice from Poe, who seemed as talented at this game as he was at everything else, Finn found himself surviving long after most of the field had dropped out. Apart from himself and Poe, only Jessika, Iolo and Awneya, one of his former fellow trainees, were still in play – Snap, without a stake in the game, had taken to over-dramatically narrating. 

To Finn’s left, Poe seemed to be taking unusually long to weigh up his move. “All in,” he finally said, pushing his pile of chips into the table. A chorus of “Oooh”s met this, heightening as the other players followed suit. Finn, sticking to his go-to strategy, did exactly the same. As everyone played their cards, he noticed Poe tensing up beside him and turned to mutter “Do you know what you’re doing?”

“Absolutely,” whispered Poe. “It’s your roll – we’re totally got this.”

“OK, but you realise I have _no_ idea what I’m doing, right?!”

Poe grinned, looking so nonchalant that Finn wanted to hit him. “It’s fine. Although, if you _could_ roll a pair of green squares, we’d both go home a lot richer than when we arrived…”

“Oh sure, no problem,” muttered Finn. “Green squares. How hard could that be?”

Snap’s booming commentary had dragged most of the eliminated players back over to watch the final denouement. “And if the conferring is quite finished, folks, I think we may be seeing the end of the game on this roll. It’s hard to see how Pava could lose her dominant lead here, but let’s see what happens!”

The dices were pushed Finn’s way, and Poe put a comforting arm around him.

“You’ve got this.”

Finn closed his eyes and rolled, feeling a momentary sense of total calm as he let go of the dice. A cheer broke out around him, interspersed with mock-booing, and he opened his eyes to see a pair of green squares looking up at him from the table. 

To his left, Poe let out a shout of joy and jumped to his feet, grabbing Finn up with him. Realising properly what had just happened, Finn let out a yelp himself.

“Unbelievable!” yelled Snap. “That must have been the luckiest roll of the night!”

Across the table, the other players looked disgusted, but were trying to keep up a gracious face. As the crowd pushed in to congratulate Finn, Poe grabbed him from behind to pull him in for a tight hug – Finn in turn reached up to grab onto Poe’s shoulder, the two of them bouncing in celebration.

“I knew it!” he said, beaming, his face just a few centimetres from Finn’s. For a heartbeat, Finn recognised the glint in Poe’s eye – but then they were swamped with the rest of the group, heckling and congratulating in equal measure.

“You do realise that technically you’re both still playing against each other?” asked Snap, as the crowd broke apart. “Unless you want to just split the pot right now.”

“We’re good,” said Finn quickly, absolutely sure that he would lose without Poe’s help. Poe grinned and nodded his assent. As Snap handed over a pile of credit chips and notes, split into two equal piles, Finn noticed Jessika giving him an odd look again. When he tried to catch her eye, though, he realised that she was looking past him, at Poe. Finn suddenly became extremely conscious of the fact that Poe’s hand was still slung casually over his shoulder. Almost immediately, though, Poe withdrew his arm, so quickly that Finn assumed he must have tensed his shoulders when he noticed it. 

As they walked back over to the main base, their conversation was somehow more stilted than before, though Finn couldn’t work out which of them the awkwardness was coming from, or precisely why. He knew, though, that he was grateful that they arrived back to the crew quarters in a larger group, avoiding any potentially more awkward situations.   
As he crawled into bed, already dreading the following day’s training, he couldn’t help but rue the fact that, extra credits or not, his life was no less confusing than it had been that morning.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 3 minutes for Finn to half-walk half-jog to General Organa’s office.

He knew that being summoned there must have something to do with what had happened in training that day.

Statura had brought the six of them to an open course located about a mile away from the main base. Splitting them into two groups, he had handed around a set of blasters and smoke bombs to everyone.

“These are live blasters, everyone. They’ve been locked to ‘Stun’, but you are to exercise the very maximum of care. This,” he said, gesturing at the course, “is a replica of an old First Order base.”

Finn took it in for the first time. There were scattered structures surrounded by layers of fences and some awkward-looking natural terrain. A few of the outer structures were clearly intended to represent some kind of automated defences; they had been made instead into makeshift pillboxes for a real soldier to fire from.

“Each team will take it in turns to storm the base. The central building, with the red flag, contains a data disk. Your mission is to retrieve it. Any questions?”

Finn found himself grouped with Dur’en and Jokko, and the three of them made an effective team, repelling the attack on their base during the first round, with Jokko playing a crucial sweeper role inside the central structure while Finn and Dur’en hunted down the infiltrators around the outer buildings. Managing to outflank the attacking team, they had stunned all of them within a few seconds, laughing and high-fiving as Kaydel, Furen and Leekh picked themselves gingerly from the ground, shaking off the effects of the bright blue stun beams. 

When it was their turn, they went for a similar approach, Jokko hanging back to watch their flank while he and Dur’en worked slowly through the course. As they closed on the central building, blaster shots whizzed by them and they dived for cover, finding themselves on opposite sides of a path which was lit up with blaster fire. Agreeing through some quick gestures to try to return fire, they leant forward, only to both jump back when a blue beam knocked Dur’en’s blaster right out of her hands. It clattered uselessly into the patch of ground between them, just a metre out of reach, but a metre that was utterly impassable. Finn knew that the defensive team would be taking advantage – there were other routes to their position and he’d have bet any amount of credits that one of them was running up another path to Dur’en’s position right now, ready to take her out before she managed to re-arm herself. 

Thinking quickly, Finn unclipped his smoke grenade. Holding it up to Dur’en, he counted down with his free fingers; on a count of three, he activated the grenade and hurled it around the corner, following up with a volley of fire. At the same time, Dur’en hurled herself into a combat roll, snatching her blaster from the ground mid-roll and launching herself across the gap into Finn’s patch of cover.

The ground around her was lit up, but between the smoke and Finn’s covering fire no one had managed to land a shot; Finn helped her up, and the two of them pulled back. As expected, a few seconds later Kaydel burst from a side passage, aiming at where Dur’en had been just moments before. Caught off-guard, she looked around to see where Dur’en had gone; for her part, Dur’en was already aiming at Kaydel.

As she raised her blaster, Finn had the strangest feeling, an inexplicable certainty, that the blaster was somehow live. He had no idea why or how he knew this, but didn’t even have time to consider this; acting purely on instinct, he launched himself forward into Dur’en’s arm, pushing her blaster to the left as she fired.

“What the hell?!” she screamed. Finn looked up and she followed his gaze – across the passage, two feet to Kaydel’s left, fresh scorch marks were burned into the wall, smoke rising rapidly from them. Dur’en and Kaydel stared in open-mouthed shock.

An alarm rang out and Statura’s voice boomed across a loudspeaker system: “Everyone drop your blasters! Do NOT fire! Get back here immediately.”

A few minutes later they were gathered back with Statura, who was examining Dur’en’s weapon. 

“I’ll need to do a full check, but it looks like the energy from the blaster shot somehow overrode the safety,” he explained to the group. “It’s incredibly lucky that Finn realised before anyone was hurt. Everyone, fall out and head back to the main base; we’ll regroup in the morning.”

“Dur’en,” he added kindly. “With me for a moment?” Pale and shaken, Dur’en nodded and joined him as they started to walk back towards the main base.

“That’s two I owe you,” said Kaydel, who was holding up remarkably well considering that she had come within a few feet of being violently killed. “How did you know?”

Finn, who had been almost silent since the incident, opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. After a few seconds, he managed to splutter “Luck. Just luck.”

Kaydel gave him a look as if she thought he was lying, but didn’t press further. “Whatever it was, I’m really glad you were here.”

Finn barely said a word the whole way back to the base. He ate quickly and went to his quarters alone, trying to figure out how he had known. Had he noticed something wrong with the blaster? Seen the energy charge in the barrel wasn’t blue? Had he guessed on some instinctive level that getting shot would muck up a blaster’s safety circuitry? Or had he just had an incredibly well-timed hunch?

When the knock came, and a lower-level officer told him that General Organa had requested his presence, he knew it wasn’t a coincidence. Making his way to her office as quickly as possible, he knocked sharply on the door. He had barely seen her since leaving the medical centre – she had given him a nod of acknowledgement once when passing him in a corridor, but as far as he understood she had been working around the clock since the Starkiller assault. He wondered if this was down to the demands of her job after the destruction of most of the Republic, or simply a way of channelling her grief.

The door slid open in front of him, and General Leia Organa looked up at him. For a small woman, she was beyond intimidating – her eyes, hooded from a lack of sleep, were still steely, though there was a kindness behind them as she smiled to greet him.

“Finn – thank you for coming so quickly. Please, come in.”

She stepped back and ushered him in, gesturing towards a chair on one side of her desk. He sat down, awkwardly settling back into it, trying to figure out what to do with his hands. He settled for awkward gripping the arms of his chair as she sat opposite him, watching him for a moment, sizing him up.

“I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to speak with you. I hope you understand that I haven’t meant it as an insult. I wanted to start by thanking you properly and personally for your role in destroying Starkiller. The Resistance wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

He shuffled awkwardly. “Thank you, ma’am. And ma’am – I’m sorry. For what happened to Han. He was a good man. Rey and I would have been dead without him.”

She nodded sadly, and they sat for a moment in silence. 

“I understand that your continued service to us is going well. Admiral Statura tells me that you saved the life of another cadet during a training exercise today.”

Finn nodded slowly, wondering where this was going.

“Admiral Statura also told me that he examined the blaster thoroughly. There was no sign on the outside that it had become defective, or that it was set to live-fire. He told me that there’s no physical way you could have known what was about to happen. I wonder if you could tell me how you did know?”

Finn’s blood ran cold. Could they think it was some kind of trick? That he was a mole, that he had tried to hurt a fellow cadet?

“Ma’am – I don’t know! I’m sorry, I know it sounds unbelievable, but I don’t. I just…knew,” he finished lamely. 

She smiled slightly. “You can calm down, Cadet. I believe you. It confirms something I had already suspected. I had hoped to investigate this before now, but it seems that leaving you under Statura’s observation has worked just as well. Finn, tell me – has this ever happened before? That you’ve known something – truly _known_ it, in your soul – that you couldn’t possibly know?”

Finn suddenly recalled standing on a pile of rubble on Takodana, watching an X-Wing tearing through a squadron of TIE fighters, speeding by him far too fast to see a pilot, but being completely and utterly sure that it was Poe’s ship, as if he could sense Poe hurtling through the air above him.

He swallowed hard. “Sometimes.”

She nodded. “Finn, how much do you know about the Force?”

“A little? It’s a power, or something, that…lives in everything?” He scrambled to remember the bits and pieces he had heard from the myths of the old Jedi orders.  
Organa smiled. “Effectively, yes. The Force is what binds the universe together. It flows through us, guides our actions, draws the universe towards stability and balance. It exists in every living thing – and in some of us, the Force is stronger. My family, for example, are naturally sensitive to the pull of the Force, and particularly able to channel its power. I believe that you, too, are Force-sensitive.”

Finn stared at her in shock. “But…how? Why do you think that?” He was just a drone, a soldier who had gotten lucky a few times. Surely she couldn’t think he was using the Force all this time?

“I heard from Commander Dameron how you broke out of the First Order’s conditioning entirely on your own. I’m familiar with the Order’s programming protocols for Stormtroopers – it takes an extraordinary level of connection to the world around you to maintain your empathy through that process. From your debriefing report to Statura, after you crash-landed on a planet that is nearly devoid of settlements, you managed to walk the right way from the crash site and immediately run into another Force-sensitive person. Even Poe didn’t manage that – if he hadn’t crossed paths with a travelling trader, he’d have wandered into the desert and died.”

Finn wanted to protest, but Organa kept going in a calm, firm voice that didn’t brook disagreement.

“You survived a lightsaber battle with a powerful Force user, even if he did defeat you. Tell me, how did you come across that lightsaber?”

“Maz,” he managed to say. “Maz Kanata.”

“Maz,” echoed Organa, smiling fondly. “She is a wily one. I think she saw in you what I do.”

Finn shook his head rapidly. “No! I mean…thank you and all, but this is insane. I just got lucky! It’s just one very lucky coincidence.”

Organa shook her head. “There are no coincidences, Finn. Just the will of the Force, and those sensitive enough to be guided by it.”

Finn continued to gape at her.

“I know this is a lot to take in. But Finn, I hope you accept that this is a good thing. You’re in tune with the world around you in a way that most people could never dream of. You have a power that very few will ever have. And, if you’re willing, I’d like you to train with me and learn how to use it.”

Finn couldn’t believe his ears. “Train? Train with you? In the Force?”

Organa seemed to think his incredulity was focused on her, rather than the more general message. “Yes, with me, Finn.” She added in a lower tone, almost to herself, “Honestly, I know Luke’s powers were legendary, but I did pick up a thing or two in 30 years of fighting by his side.”

Finn rushed to clarify. “No, ma’am – I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sure you’re very…strong with the Force?” he stumbled slightly, unsure of the nomenclature. “I just…do you really think I am?”

Organa stood up and beckoned at him to follow her. Walking over to a door at the side of her office, she tapped a few buttons on a control panel, and it slid open. Finn followed her through, and found himself in an octagonal room. Various weapons and pictures lined the walls, as well as a dozen scattered chests and boxes, and a large crash mat was propped up against the back wall. 

“Finn, I want you to stand in that circle.” She pointed to a small circle in the very centre of the room. “Close your eyes, and reach out with your mind.”  
Finn hesitated, but did as she asked. He closed his eyes, but had no idea how to even start ‘reaching out with his mind’. Organa’s voice came from behind him.

“Don’t think too hard. Just feel.”

Finn had no idea what she meant, but took a few deep breaths in and out, letting his heart slow down, calming himself fully down. Around him, he heard nothing, felt nothing, but maybe that was what the General meant? He tried to let his mind sink into that nothingness. 

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that – it could have been a few seconds or a few minutes. Suddenly, he felt a rush of alertness and, almost unconsciously, spun around on the spot with his eyes still closed. His hand shot out and closed around something that had, a heartbeat earlier, been flying at the back of his head. He opened his eyes and saw a small rubber ball; he looked up at the General, whose arm was still following through on the throw. 

“What?! Why did you-?!” he said, stopping mid-sentence, trying to take it in. “How did I-?”

“The Force,” she said, calmly. “I wanted to show you what you’re capable of.”

He shook his head firmly, still resisting. “My training…my reactions…”

“Are still not good enough for that,” she finished. “Finn, listen to your feelings. Listen to your gut. You know that I’m right.”

And with a cold certainty, he did. He felt like every bit of air had gone from the room. Dropping the ball, he stumbled backwards until he hit wall, and sank onto the ground, trying to process what he had just learned. He closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing down. When he opened them, General Organa was in front of them, lowered onto her hunkers, looking at him with understanding.

“It’s a lot to take in,” she said. “When I started out it overwhelmed me, too. Just breathe. You’ll be OK.”

Finn wanted to ask her a million questions, but couldn’t begin to find the words.

“Was that…are you a Jedi? Am _I_ a Jedi?”

She reached out and put a hand on his, smiling kindly at him.

“Neither of us are Jedi. That wasn’t the path my life took. As for you…maybe someday. There are other ways to be strong with the Force.”

He tried to remember the other things he had heard about the Force. “So…the rest of it. If I train with you, will I be able to do all the rest of it? Moving stuff with my mind, jumping around like I’m on springs, all of that?”

She smiled in spite of herself. “Maybe. Maybe not. We won’t know what you’re capable of until you try.” Her expression turned more serious. “Finn, I want you to understand – if you take this on, you’re committing to a difficult path. The power of the Force is incredibly strong, and not purely good. It requires effort and discipline. I can’t make any guarantees or promises of what will happen once you go down this road.”

Finn nodded. “I understand.”

“You also need to understand why we’re doing this. This isn’t just altruism – if you can develop your abilities and learn to use them alongside the rest of your training, I think you could be exceptionally valuable to the Resistance. I hope that you can appreciate that.”

Finn had already guessed that this was what she was aiming towards, but appreciated that she wanted him kept on the same page. “I do, Ma’am. And I’m in. I…I want to know more about this.”

General Organa smiled. Standing, she reached down a hand and helped him to his feet. 

“I’m very glad to hear you say that, Finn.”

She turned and walked back into her main office, and he followed her. 

“We’ll work together at least once a week, depending on our schedules – I’ll coordinate everything with Admiral Statura, and he’ll let you know when to be here. I expect you to be punctual, prepared, and to work at this as if your very life depended on it. It well might. Are we clear?”

Finn nodded fervently.

“Good. And Finn, I’d appreciate if we could keep this relatively quiet. For a whole host of reasons, I’d prefer if this didn’t spread around the entire base. If anyone notices you heading up here more often, you can tell them I’m picking your brains further on First Order protocols.”

He nodded again. Taking his cue, he stood and started to walk out, then turned. “General, when you say ‘relatively quiet’…” He trailed off, not too sure how to phrase his question.

She looked at him and he felt like her eyes were boring right through him. Nodding slightly to herself, she said, “I can see how it would be a distracting burden to not talk to anyone about this. I trust Commander Dameron with my life. I imagine you could trust him with this.”

“Yes ma’am. Thank you, ma’am.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took about 15 minutes for Finn to take advantage of General Organa’s leeway.

He headed back to the quarters slower than he had rushed up to Organa’s office, then spent a few minutes walking back and forth outside Poe’s door. He was conscious of how late it was, and had no idea what he wanted to say, apart from “Sweet holy everything, I might be a Jedi, please help put my brain back together!”, which felt like something that wasn’t really Poe’s responsibility. He wished once again that Rey was here. This may be as alien to her as it was to him, but it would be nice to at least have someone else feeling as lost as he was. 

He noticed the odd stillness of the base around him. It must be later than he thought – he had been called to General Organa’s office well after dinner, and had no idea how long he had spent up there. His brain still felt like it had been cracked open and roughly put back together. In the end, though, he knew that he’d go insane if he spent the next few hours sitting awake in his own room, so he bit the bullet and knocked on Poe’s door. After 20 seconds or so, he was getting ready to give up when he heard the slight ‘whoosh’ of the door unsealing and sliding open. Poe stood in front of him, looking half-asleep and rubbing his eyes.

“Finn? What’s wrong?”

Finn tried extremely hard not to notice that Poe was stripped down to his underwear and to keep his eyes only on Poe’s face. 

“I’m so sorry – I should’ve realised you’d be asleep. I can come back-”

“No, it’s fine,” Poe cut him off. “Come in, man. Just…let me put on some pants.”

Ten minutes later, they were both sitting on Poe’s bed, side by side against the wall. Finn was pulling his knees close to his chest, while Poe was splayed out more haphazardly, staring at the far wall, taking in what Finn had just told him.

“Wow. That’s…that’s awesome, Finn. Isn’t it?”

“Sort of? It’s just, it’s also so weird, and I have absolutely no idea what to do with it. I mean, three months ago I was just a number, and now I’m living in this base, part of a Resistance I was trying to crush pretty recently, being trained for some special commando unit, and I might be a Jedi, or at least a part-Jedi, or something, and…all kinds of weird stuff,” he finished lamely, sliding past the ‘having uncomfortable feelings for a senior officer’ part of his current predicament. If Poe noticed, however, he let it go.

“Yeah, but that’s all great stuff, Finn. You’re not just a number. You were never just a number, and now you’re getting a chance to show that. I know it must be hard to handle, but it’s all happening because of you. Because of the person you were all along. That’s pretty incredible. You’re pretty incredible.” 

Finn shook his head – he wanted to try to explain to Poe just how wrong he was, how blindly lucky Finn had been every step of the way, but couldn’t even begin to put the words together. 

“There’s just…there’s a big part of me that wishes I was a million miles away from all of this. Somewhere without the Resistance, or the First Order, where I could just be _normal_ , and have a normal life, and not have to worry that…”

He trailed off. 

“Worry that what?”

“Poe…I was a Stormtrooper until barely two months ago. I was being trained to kill you all, and I wanted that. I believed them when they said that the Resistance were worthless traitors and the Republic was corrupted. We used to go through simulations where I’d kill Republic soldiers over and over again, and I was good at it.”

Finn trailed off again. Poe slid an arm around him, but stayed silent, letting him find the words he was looking for.

“Poe, you’ve heard all the old stories. Hell, from what you’ve said, you saw it happen yourself. You know how many Jedi turned to evil once they got a taste of power. I barely know what good and evil are. I mean, I think I’m fighting for the right side. I believe I am, but if I go through this training, who knows? All those others, people with good lives, and loving families, people who were born into the light side…if they couldn’t handle this, what chance do I have? What if…what if I’m just another Kylo Ren waiting to happen?”

Poe thought about this for a few seconds, and then replied simply, “You’re not.”

Finn scowled. “Poe-”

“No,” Poe cut him off. “You’re just not. I know you’re scared – and I think you’d be crazy not to be – but I just can’t believe that of you. Finn, do you have any idea how strong you need to be to break out of a lifetime of conditioning? Do you know how many thousands of others failed where you succeeded?”

He paused for a second, then set his jaw as if making his mind up on something.

“Finn…I’ve seen Ren’s mind. He reached inside mine to pull out what he needed, and I saw every bit of fear and hatred in him. He’s a monster.”

Finn stared up at Poe, feeling a fresh sting of shame. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...”

Poe shook it off. “It’s OK. I’ve had worse done to me, believe me.” He looked Finn right in the eyes. “Look, the point is, you’re nothing like that. You’re brave, and kind. And you’ve been through so much more than Ren, than most people, and you still manage to be like that. You’re a good man, Finn. I know you are.”

Finn looked up properly at Poe and felt a lurch in his stomach. A burning sincerity shone from Poe’s eyes – there was no cheeky glint, no smirk, no swagger, just pure, unfiltered caring. Finn stretched up and pressed his lips gently against Poe’s. He wasn’t sure if he was crossing some kind of friendship boundary that Poe had been trying to resurrect after their last kiss, but he needed the contact, needed to show Poe how much his words were appreciated. 

Poe hesitated, but only for a moment, wrapping his arm tighter around Finn and pulling him closer. Finn responded in kind, running one hand through Poe’s hair and sliding the other around his waist. He tightened his hand in Poe’s hair, pulling him in tighter, feeling as much as hearing Poe moan against him. They broke apart, breath ragged. 

“Finn – I don’t – we shouldn’t,” Poe gasped out. 

Finn nodded, but didn’t let go. “I know. But…can I stay here? Just for a while? We don’t have to…I just don’t want to…”

Poe leaned in to lightly kiss him, cutting him off. “Of course.”

He motioned at Finn to lie down, and Finn gratefully complied, suddenly feeling the exhaustion of the last few hours catching up to him. He shifted onto his side to make room and Poe lay behind him, dragging a blanket up to cover them both, leaving an arm draped protectively across Finn. Finn felt himself rapidly sliding into sleep, feeling the slight movement of Poe’s chest against his back, and hot breath on his neck. 

He woke early the following morning to find Poe wrapped even more tightly around him. Part of him wanted to slide back into sleep, to draw out the feeling. Another part, though, forced him to open his eyes fully, and gently extract himself from Poe’s grip. Poe stirred a little as he sat up, and blinked up at him through half-asleep eyes as he slid back on the boots he had carelessly kicked off the night before.

“I have to go,” whispered Finn. “Thank you. For everything.”

Poe reached out lazily to take his hand. For a few seconds they held on, Poe’s thumb stroking across Finn’s palm. It was only as Finn stood and moved away from the bed that they both reluctantly slid them apart. Finn could feel Poe’s eyes on his back as he slipped out into the corridor and made his way quietly back to his own room.


	4. Chapter 4

It took just a few seconds for Jessika to deliver a short, sharp slap to the back of Poe’s head.

“OK, I deserved that,” said Poe.

“And then some!” she said, exasperatedly. “You _need_ to stop randomly making out with the newbie. It’s not healthy.”

Poe sighed. “I know, I do! It’s just…I can’t get him out of my head. At all. And I don’t know why. I just know that when he’s around, I just want to be near him. C’mon, even you must know what that feels like?”

Jessika regarded him with open revulsion. “I’m going to vomit on this workbench, and I’m going to make you clean it up.”

Poe shot her a look, and she shot one right back. “You sound like a teenager,” she said.

“I do, don’t I? I need to get a grip,” Poe muttered.

“Or you could talk to him.”

“I don’t want to press-"

“Pressure him, I know,” she cut him off. “But if he’s showing up at your room in the middle of the night, it doesn’t sound like he wants to keep things platonic.”

Poe grimaced. “He’d had a rough day. I don’t even know if that counts.”

“Fine, then,” sighed Jessika. “Go back to doing the ‘just friends’ dance around each other. That’s productive.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There were two staffs sitting in the ring in the middle of Organa’s training room.

Admiral Statura had let him know at the end of that day’s training that his presence was required that night. Training had gone back to normal after the near-mishap with Dur’en’s blaster, and both she and Kaydel showed no signs of having their nerves in any way blunted. The only difference was that Kaydel was particularly friendly towards Finn – the clipped, dutiful, ‘official’ person he’d met seemed to have loosened up completely. 

Also back to normal, or whatever their version of normal was, was his friendship with Poe. In a way, this period of post-kiss awkwardness felt less awkward. Finn wondered if they were settling into a comfortable routine of kiss-then-never-speak-of-it. He also wondered if that would be such a bad thing.

That night, at the time Statura had told him, he found himself back in the training room, General Organa standing on the far side of them, watching him keenly.

“Finn, what do you see when you look at me?”

Finn was almost entirely sure that this was a trap. He cast around for the most diplomatic answer.

“A…a general?” At her lack of reaction, he continued, even more questioning and tentative. “An upstanding general and war hero? Ma’am?”

A hint of a smile tugged at her lips. “That’s appreciated, but not necessary. I mean physically. You’re a soldier – assess me. Imagine I’m trying to attack you, and tell me what you see. Strengths, weaknesses, strategies.”

Finn was even more sure that this was a trap, but he didn’t see any option but to go with it. He leant back slightly, sizing her up.

“Well…you have a slight limp, and favour your left leg. You’re leaning your weight on it right now.” Her face remained impassive, but he felt like he was moving in the right direction. “You’re a head shorter than me, and I’ve got a good 20 years on you. And if you’re trying to attack me, you’re unarmed and don’t seem to be wearing any body armour.”  
General Organa nodded. “It’s more like 30 years, but I appreciate the generosity. And that was a decent summary. I imagine that, if it came to it, you could beat me in physical combat quite easily, right?”

Finn hesitated, but then nodded. “Right.”

Smiling, she walked forward and picked up the two staffs in the middle of the room. Tossing one to him and keeping one for herself, she stepped backwards and assumed what Finn recognised as a defensive stance – weight dropped, on the balls of her feet, staff raised.

“I’d like you to attack me.”

Finn stared at her in shock and began to shake his head, but she cut him off before he could say a word.

“If it helps, consider this a direct order from your commanding officer. Attack me, and don’t hold back.”

Finn raised his staff slowly, giving her as much time as possible to ready herself. Seeing a twitch of impatience on her face, he launched himself forward, closing the space between them in a few steps. Using his momentum, he swung the staff – hard, but still holding back in spite of her order – at her midriff. 

In the half-second before it connected, he saw a flicker in her eye. He had just enough time to register it before she swung her own staff, faster than he would have thought possible, to parry his. The unexpected block threw him off balance, and he stumbled for a moment. He barely saw her countering with a blow aimed squarely at his head; only a well-drilled instinct allowed him to duck at the last possible moment. He stepped backwards, swinging wildly to cover his movement, but he hit only air – General Organa was already out of his range, appraising him, circling slowly around him. As he steadied himself, he was able to take in the change that had come over her. She seemed to be lit from within – her eyes were brighter and her body moved freely. The limp was gone, as was the slight hunch in her back. She seemed utterly composed. 

Moving towards him again, she twirled her staff like it was an extension of her body, entirely controlled and fluid. It was all Finn could do to deflect her attacks as she rained blow after blow on him. He felt his breath shortening, body straining with the exertion, as she forced him slowly back towards the wall. As his desperation rose, he managed to parry hard enough to break her rhythm – seizing his opportunity, he drove his staff forward directly at her chest. A moment too late, he realised his mistake – the parried blow had been a feint, to lure him into a rash move. General Organa stepped around his blow with ease then, taking advantage while he was off-balance, swung her staff in a vicious downward arc into the back of his legs. The world tipped over as Finn’s legs were taken from under him, leaving him splayed on the ground, dazed, his own weapon temporarily forgotten.  
A hand reached down to help him up, and he accepted it gratefully. Wincing as he stood, he openly gaped at her. The glow seemed to have faded, and her limp had returned as she stepped back to allow him room to recover.

“How…how did you do that?”

“The Force” she offered simply. “The raw power of the Force is immense. The fact that the body I’m channelling it through has seen better days doesn’t matter all that much.”

Finn took this in, stretching out his shoulders as the adrenaline began to wear off and the pain in his back began to register. He was already regretting how much this was going to hurt tomorrow.

“So…do you think I could learn that? To channel the Force like you do?”

Organa gave a non-committal tilt of her head. “Perhaps, given time. That isn’t what I wanted you to take from tonight, though.”

He looked at her, confused. “It’s not?”

She shook her head. “What I want you to realise, Finn, is that the Force isn’t like anything you’ve encountered before. The way it works, the power it brings – you can’t see them in the way you’ve learned your whole life. You need to unlearn every instinct you have, and see the world around you in a different way. Your eyes will lie to you. Only the Force will lead you to the truth.”

Finn thought about the first time he’d seen Rey – a slight, malnourished looking girl accosted by two larger men. He had been ready to throw himself into the fray, but she had demolished them before he even got close. He nodded his understanding.

“Can you teach me how?” he asked.

Organa smiled. She extended a hand, and Finn’s lost staff slowly rose, coming to rest in her outstretched grasp. Finn felt his jaw drop; Organa looked deeply amused as she handed the staff back to him.

“In time, yes. For now, I want you to attack me again. Don’t focus on how you see me. Reach out with your mind. Feel what I’m doing. Feel how I’m moving. Go!”

A number of embarrassing wipeouts later, Finn limped back to his quarters. He had shown some improvement, learning to read her attacks better and anticipate her movements, but he hadn’t managed to land a single proper hit in the entire session. Part of him was glad that he hadn’t managed to hit a fifty-something woman in the face with a staff, but there was still a sting of disappointment at the gulf in what he had to learn.

As he sat on his bed, pressing ice stolen from the mess against a rapidly-growing bump on his head, he looked up at the ruined jacket hanging on his wall. He could definitely understand the idea of things having a power beyond how they looked. To most people, it would be a useless piece of material. To him, it was a symbol of so much more – not just his first real battle, but his first real friend, and the first person to try to see more of him than was obvious from the outside.

Even with Poe himself, Finn could see what General Organa meant. Objectively, Poe was just a guy – not particularly physically imposing. Shorter and slighter, in fact, than Finn himself. But he radiated power in everything he did. There was a reason everyone on the base loved him, and a reason he was the most confident person Finn had ever met, and a good part of it was down to the unquestionable strength that shone from within him. 

Finn winced as he shifted the ice against the bump. Maybe that power was why Finn couldn’t get Poe out of his head. Why they kept having casual-but-not-that-casual looks and touches and kisses. Why Finn was sitting in a room, alone, staring at a ripped jacket like it held the key to any of the weird stuff going on in his life.

“You need to get a grip,” he whispered to himself. Reaching into one of the drawers in his bedside locker, he pulled out a set of earphones and a data drive. Sliding them on as he settled down onto his bed, he turned on the data drive. He closed his eyes, letting the drumbeats take him out of the base to a lush jungle bursting with colour, far away from the complications of his life.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took just 1 lesson for Finn to start to see an effect in his normal training.

Admiral Statura had started them training with melee weapons – usually mismatched, sometimes in poor condition, to try to emphasise that they needed to be ready and able to use anything around them to fight. Two days after his first proper lesson, Finn was paired off against Jokko, clutching a two foot length of pipe against Jokko’s vibroblade, which had been blunted to make it non-lethal, but still looked like it would pack a vicious punch. 

Slowly, he circled Jokko, who smiled confidently, letting Finn take his time in his approach. Testing his defences, Finn stepped forward and swung the pipe in an overhead arc, but Jokko blocked it easily and slashed his blade towards Finn, moving faster than a casual observer would have thought possible, given his size. Finn barely dodged the swing, and Jokko pressed the advantage, moving closer to Finn while carving his blade through the air. Desperately trying to block an attack, Finn held up his pipe with a hand on either end, stopping a blow aimed at his chest – however, while it protected him from the attack, the sheer force of the impact caused the pipe to crack in two. Thrown off-balance by the impact, Jokko took a step backwards, but seeing Finn clutching two short, useless chunks of metal, he recovered quickly and thrust his weapon directly at Finn’s chest. 

For a moment, the world seemed to slow down – Finn felt like he was seeing everything in the room at once, but from the outside. As if moving by themselves, his hands swung upwards, still clutching two short pieces of pipe. Clanging together, they closed around Jokko’s vibroblade mid-thrust, stopping it mere centimetres from Finn’s chest. Jokko gaped in shock – Finn, still feeling like he was on autopilot, pushed Jokko’s weapon towards him so that the hilt smacked into his chest, then twisted his arms so that the weapon was wrenched out of Jokko’s hands, clattering uselessly to the ground. Jokko flailed out with a desperate punch, but Finn had already dropped his body down and was charging with all his strength at Jokko’s midsection. Ducking under his punch and catching him in the ribs with his shoulder, he felt the Keshiri crumple backwards, slamming to the ground with a force that seemed to shake the room.

Straightening up, Finn took in the amazed looks around him. Embarrassed, he let the two fragments of pipe fall to the ground, reaching down to help Jokko up as he gasped for breath.

“That…was…unreal!” he said, both annoyed and admiring.

Finn shrugged awkwardly as they moved to the side of the room to let the next pair spar. “I’ve been working out a lot,” he offered, but for the rest of the class he could feel his squad’s eyes on him every time he turned around. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There was a single feather sitting in the centre of the ring in General Organa’s training room.

Finn’s muscles ached even thinking about their last session together.

“General, I respect the Force, and our training, but if you’re going to kick my ass using only a feather, that’s just showing off.”

She let out a soft laugh. “Don’t worry, Cadet. This lesson should be a lot less bruising, all going well.”

She motioned at him to sit and he complied. She sat on the far side of the ring, the feather lying between them.

“There are a number of aspects of using the Force,” she began. “You’ve already proven adept at using the Force to sense the world around you, and to understand it in ways that others can’t. That ability will grow with time. The next step of your training, however, is to begin to channel the Force for your own uses. Before you can draw on that power directly, you need to learn to push it outwards, to control the world around you.”

She nodded at the centre of the ring. “The Force connects us all. That feather is just a ball of molecules, held together by the Force, the same as you – a lot less complex, obviously, but part of the same intricate web. I want you to reach out with your mind and feel the feather. As you hold it in the centre of your mind, I want you to focus every bit of concentration you have on it and push, like so.”

She closed her own eyes and held out a hand. Gently, the feather lifted into the air and hung there, suspended before Finn’s eyes. He stared in slack-jawed wonder as the General opened her eyes, and let the feather slowly drift back to the ground.

“Now you try it.”

Finn closed his eyes. He could picture the feather, feel it like it was sitting in the palm of his hand. He held up his arm, palm outstretched, and felt the tickle against his fingers. Focusing everything he had, he imagined the feather floating – his head throbbed, his teeth clenched, and he felt his heart speed up as he tried to push with every bit of his mind.  
Slowly opening his eyes, he looked to the centre of the room.

The feather sat completely motionless.

Dropping his hand, he let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, looking disgustedly at it.

“Don’t worry,” said Organa kindly. “Very few people can move something on their first attempt. You’re pushing too hard with your conscious mind – you’re thinking of it like lifting a boulder with your arms. Focus on feeling the feather, on feeling the Force flow from you to it and back again. That connection is what matters. Now, try again.”

It took over an hour for the feather to even wiggle, but by the end of the session Finn could lift it and even direct it slowly around the room.

“Excellent progress,” said General Organa. 

Finn, feeling drained on every level, just nodded his acknowledgement. But on the inside, he was glowing – he was actually doing this. This wasn’t something that his brain could try to explain away as luck, or training. This was undeniably the Force, flowing through him, making him powerful in a way he hadn’t ever dreamed of. His happiness was tinged only by the discomfiting realisation that the main thought in his head – more than the happiness, or fear, or awe at his newfound power – was ‘I can’t wait to show Poe!’. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There seemed to be a mutual agreement of a one-foot barrier between them at all times.

For all intents and purposes, their relationship was totally normal otherwise. But Finn had gradually noticed over the few days that followed his first proper lesson with General Organa that Poe was making a deliberate effort not to touch him. With some people this might not have been noticeable, but Poe was extremely tactile, and had been for as long as Finn had known him. Now, suddenly, there were no little arm squeezes, no shoulder claps, no arm casually thrown over his shoulder if they were squeezed together at a mealtime. Finn hadn’t realised how much he liked these little bits of contact until he realised they were gone. From then, he became extremely aware of Poe’s lack of touch – and in particular, of the times when Poe seemed to instinctively move to touch him, only to pull away or awkwardly turn the movement into something else.

They still saw each other plenty, and talked just fine. Poe still had an easy smile for him, and when no one else was around, was genuinely interested to hear how his Force training was progressing. And Finn had to admit that he wasn’t exactly making the first move himself. Part of him wanted to, but if Poe was pulling back, that was his choice. Finn didn’t want to force himself on someone who only saw him as a friend. And with everything else going on in his life, he wasn’t sure he could take the awkwardness of having Poe shrug him off, or the pain of losing the one real friend he had on the base.

He knew, though, that he needed to do something, if only to stop the constant thoughts of Poe from distracting him any further. The strain of Force training was starting to impact on his normal role – he was more tired and less focused, and his fellow cadets were in no way convinced that the bizarre bruises he often appeared with were clumsy accidents from going running in the nearby forest. His newly awakening instincts were helping to balance this out, but he knew he couldn’t rely on that indefinitely. His lack of focus seemed in particular to be acting as a real blocker to his Force training – General Organa sat him down after their next session to ask him if there was anything wrong, having picked up on his generally distracted demeanour.

Finn demurred, and told her he was just overtired, but she gave him that look as if she was looking right through him, and he would’ve bet anything that she knew exactly what the problem was. 

One way or another, Finn knew he needed to resolve this.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 6 days and another Force training session to actually do this.

Finally, though, Finn managed to nab Poe in the hangar, at a rare time when he was on his own.

“So, you’re off tomorrow morning,” said Finn.

Poe looked slightly surprised that Finn knew his schedule. “I am,” he allowed.

“And I’m off tomorrow morning,” said Finn. 

“OK,” said Poe, a wary edge to his voice.

“I was thinking,” said Finn, projecting every inch of ‘casual’ that he could muster. “Would you be up for another trip to the lake? I could really do with being out of the base for a while, and I’d kinda like to talk to you, away from here.”

Poe nodded slowly. “Sure. Sounds good. Meet me after breakfast.”

Finn left feeling a sort of calm terror. Not being immediately shut down or dodged was a good sign, but this meant that he actually had to talk to Poe and try to verbalise things he wasn’t even sure how to put words on in his head.

The following morning briefly threatened to force them into actual physical contact, until Finn suggested that they take separate speeders, ostensibly to allow him to work a little more on his piloting skills in a weapons-free vehicle, more accurately to have a quick personal escape route if needed. Poe happily agreed, which Finn tried not to read too much into. The journey took longer than before – Poe led them down a longer but more straightforward route and kept his speed lower, which Finn appreciated, much as his ego would have preferred if hadn’t needed the help.

When they got to the lake, they spent the first while just catching up, lapsing into an easy rhythm. Finn didn’t want to jump of a speeder and launch right into it, so he was happy to talk normally. Poe filled him in on the progress of the trainee pilots, who by Poe’s account were more or less ready for battle. Finn responded with a commando update – they were reaching a similar level of prowess. When Poe asked about his additional training, Finn smiled.

Holding out a hand, he focused a small rock that lay on the beach in front of them. The process of clearing his mind was getting easier, even in the current circumstances, and he was able to slowly push his energy through the rock, lifting it off the surface of the beach. Poe stared in open awe as Finn carefully floated the rock closer to Poe.

“Go ahead,” he said. “Take it.”

Poe reached out carefully and plucked the rock out of the air as it looped lazily towards him. He stared at it in wonder.

“That’s unbelievable,” he said softly.

“I’m still only learning,” said Finn modestly. Seeing an opening, he continued, “Actually, that’s part of why I wanted to talk.”

Poe looked up at him with guarded eyes.

“I’ve been having trouble focusing for the past few days.”

“Why is that?” asked Poe, not sounding like he was eager to hear the answer.

“You,” said Finn. 

Poe winced. “Finn…”

“I’m not expecting anything. I’m really not. I’d just like us to be OK again. You’ve been off with me since…since that night. And I hate that. And I just want to know what to do to make it right.”

“I haven’t been ‘off’,” said Poe defensively.

“You’ve been treating me like I’m infectious,” said Finn, feeling stupid saying it out loud, but wanting to get it out in the open. “Like you’re afraid to touch me. And I’m OK with us just being friends – I really am – but I hate that me being stupid and needy has made things weird again.”

“Finn-” Poe cut himself off and turned away, rubbing the back of his neck. He walked away a little, turned back and said, as if he were forcing each word past gritted teeth, “I’ve been avoiding touching you because I’m crazy about you, alright? Because this weird dance where we get closer and then don’t talk to each other is driving me nuts! And I know I shouldn’t like you like this, I know there are a million reasons why it’s wrong, but I do, OK? And I’ve been hoping that if I just keep a bit of distance between us then I’ll be able to stop thinking about you, and then I won’t have to try and figure out how you feel about me, or if I’m throwing away a friendship over nothing, or what any of this actually means.”

Finn said nothing, the outburst knocking all words out of him. Poe’s arms dropped to his sides, and he asked in a resigned tone, “Better? Did that help your emotional blockage?”

Finn stepped forward and in one swift movement grabbed Poe’s face and kissed him. After a moment, Poe responded in kind, sliding his arms around Finn’s waist. They broke apart, Poe looking at Finn in confusion.

“I feel exactly the same,” whispered Finn. “I don’t know what it means. But I want to keep doing this. No more dancing. Just…this. Us.”

Finn found himself totally lacking in the experience or vocabulary to explain any better what he meant, but from the smile that crept across Poe’s face, he felt like he had managed well enough.

“I’d like that,” said Poe. “An ‘us’.”

He pulled Finn into a tight hug, and the two of them swayed gently on the bank of the lake, soaking in the moment.

“We’re really bad at this, aren’t we?” asked Finn. Poe snorted with laughter.

“Yes,” he said. “But we’ll get better.”

It seemed like no time at all passed before they needed to get back to the base. They had spent what felt like only a few minutes lying next to the lake, curled together, taking advantage of being able to actually touch each without waiting to see how the other would react, trying to talk through the boundaries, getting frequently distracted.

“We could just keep this between us,” suggested Finn during one bout of actual talking.

Poe looked at him quietly for a moment, as if sizing the idea up, then nodded his assent. “Agreed. I do not relish a conversation with Admiral Statura about the ethics and protocols around having a relationship with a Cadet.”

“Likewise,” said Finn, grimacing.

“Although,” Poe winced slightly. “I may have told Jessika that we kissed a few times. But trust me, I’ll be keeping today to myself.”

Finn smacked his arm lightly. “Well, that explains the weird looks she’s been giving me for weeks,” he said, good-naturedly. 

“Sorry,” said Poe, wincing even harder. 

“We should probably keep…you know…not touching. In public, at least,” said Finn.

“In private’s still good, right?” asked Poe innocently; Finn provided an extremely demonstrative answer to his question.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 8 days to breach the ‘no public touching’ rule.

For those few days, they had been extremely diligent. They sat together far more at mealtimes, but were sure to keep their conversations professional. Poe decided to spend more of his free time accompanying Finn to the firing range or on physical workouts (making the perfectly reasonable and publicly unquestionable point that, given the frequency with which he found himself in ground-based firefights, he needed to stay sharp on both fronts) while Finn spent a lot more time back in the hangar helping out with repairs and ship tune-ups (which, he would have pointed out had anyone actually noticed anything odd, was a pretty useful skillset for a commando to have).

They slept in each other’s rooms most nights, but were subtle about coming and going, finding a solid balance between leaving at a time when the corridors were busy, or leaving at a time when they couldn’t plausibly have been just calling in to talk. If anyone noticed anything, no one said a word. Even Jessika didn’t seem to notice that Poe was any different. For his part, Finn found himself significantly more focused on his training, even with the added time spent with Poe. For the first time during a combat session, he managed to centre himself enough to land a good hit to General Organa’s shoulder, earning a rare glowing compliment from her. The only downside was that this was just another thing that he had to keep from the rest of his squadron. As the rest of them bonded and grew as a team, he felt like he was constantly keeping them at arm’s length, finding excuses to skip out on post-training study or just hanging out so that he could meet the General, or spend time with Poe.

Then, on the 8th day, General Organa announced that the entire base was required for a mid-morning briefing. As people trooped in from their usual daily activities, Finn gravitated towards Poe, raising a questioning eyebrow. Poe, however, just shrugged back – even he wasn’t in the loop on this one. 

“The last few months have been tough on us all,” the General began when people had gathered and settled down. “We’ve had a great victory, but we’ve also suffered great losses. The Republic is only just starting to get back on its feet. Without their help, we’ve been operating on a shoestring, and I know you’ve all felt that.”

Without any frame of reference, Finn couldn’t say that he had noticed anything that different to life on a Star Destroyer, but saw a few emphatic nods around the room.

“I’m delighted to announce that four different planets within the Republic have sent word through my political contacts that they are in a position, now that a new Senate has been elected and discussions of war are underway, to significantly increase their support of the Resistance.”

An excited whisper flowed around the room.

“Over the next few weeks, transports will be arriving bringing new ships, new equipment and new weaponry. The first transport will arrive tonight, and with the compliments of newly elected Senator Crill, also contains a significant stock of food and…other supplies.”

The whisper rose to a hum. Next to Finn, Poe looked delighted. “New ships!” he whispered to Finn. “I was starting to think we were going to be flying the same seven beat-up X-Wings for the rest of the war!”

“In light of this,” said General Organa, “there will be a celebration tonight.”

At this, a proper cheer rose from the crowd. General Organa looked like she was fighting back a smile.

“Thank you all for your hard work over the past few months. Enjoy tonight, and please, try to maintain some semblance of decorum,” she finished, sounding like she knew that it was an absolutely futile request.

The crowd quickly dissipated, the mood considerably lifted. Poe ran off to discuss escort plans for the transport, telling Finn to find him after training, while Finn headed back with his own group. Most, like him, were relatively new to the base, but Kaydel was buzzing with uncharacteristic excitement.

“If it’s anything like the last ones, when she says ‘celebration’, she really means it!” she told them as they gathered back at the firing range. 

Even Statura seemed to be almost cheerful, releasing them early and wishing them an enjoyable evening. As they walked back to the main base, Finn spotted the transport arriving in the distance, flanked by the distinctive shapes of a squadron of X-Wings. 

On the way to dinner that night, Finn noticed that most people heading were wearing civilian clothes – a rare sight most days, as people stuck to their standard issue uniforms from morning to night, but it made Finn particularly aware that he was wearing the same greyish overalls he lived in every other day. He knocked on Poe’s door – Poe, too, was wearing a light blue shirt in place of the bright orange flight suit he usually wore around the hangar. He laughed when he saw Finn’s overalls.

“Right – you know, I almost forgot you don’t own…well, clothes.”

Rummaging through his storage locker, he pulled out a red lightweight sweater and a pair of dark blue pants, throwing them over to Finn.  
“Here. They should fit.” 

His assessment was dead-on – for the first time in as long as he could remember, Finn found himself wearing normal, civilian clothes that hadn’t been covered in gunge, grease or blood. Even Poe’s old jacket didn’t fit within that category, even before its unfortunate encounter with a lightsaber.

Leaving Poe’s room, they joined the flow of people towards the mess. To Finn’s surprise, the place looked incredible – someone had actually gone to the trouble of hanging up colourful bunting and streams of brightly coloured paper all over the walls. Instead of the usual functional-but-bland rations, he was given some kind of stew that tasted better than anything he could ever remember eating (“Meat!” Poe had hissed in delight. “Vegetables! Actual food!”). There was also a liberal supply of some kind of fruity-tasting red liquid that Finn very quickly realised was alcoholic. A scattered array of the base crew were gathered at one end of the room fiddling with a set of instruments – shortly after the meal started, they started playing a rough tune that slowly picked up in both speed and quality as they went on. 

The mood was the brightest Finn had seen it in his time on D’Qar. Everywhere he looked people were laughing; everything was colour and noise, blurring into a beautiful cacophony as everyone cut loose from the tension that had been building since the attack on Starkiller. Finn had barely been aware of it, but now that he could see everyone at their most normal, he realised just how worried everyone had been, and how much it meant that the inflow of supplies had started again. 

As the meal finished, the tables were pushed back against the wall and the music picked up even louder and faster as the space was filled by crowds of dancing, revelling people. The red liquor was still flowing freely, and whether through the Force or just the vibrations of the floor beneath his feet, Finn could feel the energy in the room as if it were a physical thing. 

Poe had disappeared into the dancing crowd as soon as the tables went back, and Finn was happy to let him go, talking instead to his fellow cadets, who were as excited as he was to see the base in a more relaxed state than they were used to. Kaydel in particular was the most relaxed he had seen her. Her hair was out of its usual buns, softening her face and making her look a lot less intimidating. She laughed and joked along with the rest of them, and had she been anyone else, Finn would have sworn she was flirting with him. 

The makeshift band kicked into a new tune that most of the room seemed to recognise, and the floor flooded with more people, forming into large, spinning circles of people. As one circle spun towards Finn, Poe emerged from it and grabbed him by the arm, his face coated with sweat but his eyes shining brightly from under the mop of hair that was now hanging down into them.

“C’mon!” he yelled, grabbing Finn by the arm and pulling him into a circle. The rest of his cadet squadron were quickly pulled into the crowd as well – Finn saw a fleeting glimpse of Dur’en’s bright red hair as she was whipped in the opposite direction. Pressed close together, Poe wrapped his arm tightly around Finn. Finn shot him a questioning look, but Poe leaned in and said in his ear, just loud enough to hear over the music, “Screw the rules.”

Finn laughed in spite of himself, whirled around by the crowd, who were half-singing half-yelling a song he had never heard before. He picked up quickly enough that a key, simple component was a periodic stomping of the feet combined with a loud yell, and joined in on that much with gusto, to Poe’s great amusement. The dance circles careened around the room, crashing into each other and breaking into bigger and smaller groupings who formed new circles; through it all, Poe clung to Finn as if his life depended on it, steering him from group to group. As the song came to an end, everyone spun faster and faster, breaking down into smaller and smaller bunches; as the final triumphant notes echoed out and a final shout went around the room, Finn found himself holding on only to Poe. They came to a halt against one of the back walls, Poe’s other hand coming around to grab Finn and help slow their momentum. Finn leant back against the wall, gasping for breath between delighted laughs, sweat dripping down his face; Poe leant in against him, breathing just as hard. As he pulled away, Poe’s lips brushed against Finn’s ear.

“My room. 5 minutes.”

And he slipped away into the crowd. Finn’s eyes flicked around quickly; no one seemed to have noticed. He took a long loop around the room, stopping here and there to say a quick hello to a few people, and to grab two fresh cups of the red liquor. Then, as subtly as he could, he slipped out of the main door and back to Poe’s room. 

When they made their way back to the party an hour later, staggering their re-entrance by a few minutes, Finn was almost entirely sure they’d gotten away with it. He made a mental note to thank Admiral Statura some day in the very, very, very distant future for the basic stealth training. He refilled his glass as he watched Poe re-joining the flight squad across the room, standing out even in this crowd. Finn felt the music through his feet, and slowly took in the beautiful chaos of the world around him. He had never been this happy in his life.


	5. Chapter 5

It took Jessika about 12 hours after the celebratory party to corner Poe.

“So,” she said, as he tinkered with the circuitry on a flight droid. BB-8 was observing from the workbench, chipping in useful tips in a high-pitched whistle that made Poe, much as he loved the droid, want to bury his head into a bucket full of ice.

“…so?” he asked. His eyes were heavy and he still smelled of stale sweat and alcohol; Jessika, by contrast, was somehow every bit as fresh as always.

“So, is there something you’d like to tell me?”

He looked up at her with his best innocent face. “What would I want to tell you?”

She slung a leg over the workbench and sat across it, facing him, casting a quick look over her shoulder to make sure they were alone.

“Don’t pull that crap with me, Dameron. I’ve known you more than long enough to see through it. You. Finn. He showed up wearing your clothes. You both left suspiciously within a few minutes of each other. Right after you dragged him up to dance. Then you both reappeared, also a few minutes apart, with some lame excuse about getting ‘fresh air’.”

Poe’s innocent expression slowly shifted to one of guilt, then of absolute contrition, as she laid this out.

“OK, yes. Yes, that happened, and I’m sorry for lying to you.”

“Poe…” she said warningly.

“No! It’s not like that. We talked it out, and we’re…together, I guess. But we’re also trying to keep it quiet.” He looked around nervously. “You don’t think anyone else noticed, do you?”

Jessika shrugged. “Probably not. Just, maybe be a bit more subtle the next time you want to sneak off to have sex with a cadet, alright?”

“Hey, we weren’t…I mean we haven’t, technically. Is that weird? I mean, we’ve done pretty much everything but, but no sex, yet.”

Jessika stared at him. “Wow, Poe. Thank you for sharing that. If you’ll excuse me, I’m just gonna take a quick swing over to the decontamination showers, OK?”

“Have fun. Good talk!” he said absent-mindedly, tinkering with the droid’s circuitry. BB-8 whistled a goodbye, then went back to advising Poe on the far more important task at hand.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There was a single small wooden box sitting in the middle of the training room.

Three days after the celebratory party, Finn was summoned to another training session. When General Organa led him into the room, his eyes were drawn immediately to the new addition.

Organa waved towards it. “Go on, Finn. Open it.”

Tentatively, he opened the box. The inside was layered with felt; in the middle lay a small metal cylinder that he recognised.

He looked up at her in shock; at her encouraging nod, he reached in and picked up the lightsaber. Once it was in his hand, he noticed that it was subtly different – slightly lighter than the last one he had used, and with a ridged grip that felt much more natural to him.

Holding it carefully in front of him, he activated the weapon – a brilliant yellow beam burst from the handle, humming loudly in front of him. He swung it lightly, enjoying the hum of the blade as it moved. Instead of the panic he had felt before, he knew enough now to feel the weapon’s path through the air. 

Deactivating it, he looked questioningly at her.

“I thought it was about time you started practicing on one of these,” she said. “You’ve shown great progress, Finn. I couldn’t be prouder.”

Touched by the compliment, he looked down again at the hilt. It was beautiful and, somehow, felt already like it was his. 

“Where did you get this?” he asked.

“It was mine.” He looked back up in surprise. “Like I said, I picked up a few things from Luke over the years. I trained with a lightsaber, and built this many years ago. I haven’t used it in years, though – it’s been a long time since I saw active combat. I kept it, though. I had hoped to pass it on one day and now, I can.”

Finn felt simultaneously a thousand feet tall and absolutely tiny. The idea that she trusted him enough to pass this on made him swell with pride, even if part of him was still afraid she was making a terrible mistake.

“Thank you,” he said. “I…I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to say ‘thank you’ enough.”

Her face turned serious. “You can thank me by putting that to good use. By fighting for the freedom of the galaxy, and by making this universe a better place for _everyone_ to live in. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. And I know you’ll make me proud.”

Finn nodded emphatically. “I will.”

General Organa picked up the box and walked over to another, larger chest, placing it inside. From the large chest, she pulled out a small metal sphere with a number of ridges and markings, and smaller metal discs around the outside. She pressed a button on the side and it sprang to life and floated into the air.

“This is a training droid,” she said. “A lightsaber is useless against the armies of the First Order unless you learn how to deflect blaster fire. This droid will help you learn how.”

“How will it – OW!” Finn was cut off as the droid shot a small blast of energy into his arm. He activated the lightsaber and held it in a defensive position as the droid slowly circled him. With no warning, it shot out another burst – he was too slow to react and it struck him in the leg.

“You can’t move faster than a blast,” said Organa. “You need your lightsaber to be in position before the shot even comes. You need to trust in the Force. Don’t look at it with your eyes. Reach out with your mind, and see where it’s going to shoot.”

Finn let his eyes unfocus, and felt the world filter out around him. There was only him and the droid. He felt its hum, felt the gears moving inside it, felt a charge building, and unconsciously raised his lightsaber in front of his face. A moment later, the droid shot a blast square at his forehead; striking the beam, it redirected upwards and sparked harmlessly into the ceiling. Organa nodded approvingly.

“A good start. With practice, you’ll learn to deflect multiple beams and redirect them where you wish. In time, I think you’ll be ready to merge the work we’re doing here with your training under Admiral Statura.”

Finn contemplated this in silence. He knew his fellow cadets would be annoyed that he had held out on them, and that he was training with a more advanced weapon, with the General herself. But he was looking forward to trying to properly incorporate everything into one focused stream – he knew the Resistance had plans for him, and a part of him was eager to learn exactly what they were.

His train of thought was interrupted by another shot from the droid – distracted, he had lowered his guard, and it singed his shoulder. 

“For now,” said Organa, “please do try to focus.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There had been two other times Finn had had sex.

Both had been with women. Both were furtive, brief, and generally not experiences worth dwelling on, an unfortunate reality of growing up the way he had. He knew the same was true of most of his squadmates – the First Order frowned on distractions, and extra-curricular nocturnal activities definitely fell within that category.

Because of this, he was grateful that Poe seemed happy to go at his pace. It wasn’t that he was scared¸ as such – more that he was painfully aware that he had no real idea what he was doing, and wasn’t especially eager for Poe to realise quite how out of his depth he was. And then, the more that he dodged around it, the more the expectations built and the greater the leap seemed to be.

In the end, there was no grand decision on his part, no build up, no particularly romantic night. Just a normal night, having snuck into Poe’s room as he did most other nights, where something clicked in him and he realised he was almost definitely worrying over nothing. Poe, as Finn had expected, offered some token resistance and reiterated that he was OK with doing whatever Finn was ready for, but once he was sure Finn was serious, agreed with an enthusiasm that made Finn almost feel guilty for taking as long as he had to get there.

Afterwards, they lay in silence, the quiet of the room settling over them. Finn’s head rested on Poe’s chest, one of his arms lying across Poe’s stomach, Poe’s hand gently stroking up and down his back. 

“Wow,” whispered Poe. “That was…”

“Terrible,” Finn finished as he trailed off. 

Poe stifled a laugh and pulled Finn in tighter.

“No! Well, OK, it was…there’s room for improvement. From both of us.”

Finn felt a wave of intense relief.

“Mostly me though,” he said. “I’m not that…I mean, I’ve never actually done that with a guy before.”

“No, it’s definitely on me! I was rushing, I should have been more considerate.”

“No,” Finn started, but when he looked up and caught Poe’s eye, the two of them broke into helpless laughter. “Look, let’s agree that it was both of us, and then just move on. We’ll get better.”

“Oh man, absolutely,” said Poe, aghast. “We have to. We’re way too pretty to have bad sex.”

Finn laughed again and dropped his head back onto Poe’s chest.

“I’m so glad I met you,” he said, feeling the rise and fall of Poe’s breathing slowly getting back to normal.

Poe leant down and kissed the top of his head. “Me too,” he said. They settled back into silence, but a far more comfortable one. After a while, Finn lifted his head back up.

“So…how are we going to get better?”

Poe smiled wickedly and, with surprising strength, rolled back to pull Finn up on top of him.

“Practice.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 5 words to shatter an equilibrium.

Finn was surprised by just how easily his life was beginning to flow. His training was progressing rapidly, to the point that he was finding himself holding back with Statura and his fellow cadets to avoid any awkward questions about just how his reflexes were so fast in combat, or how he always seemed to be aware of the position of his fellow cadets during live training exercises. General Organa had begun training him with multiple firing droids – he stumbled home most nights with at least a few blaster burns, but he knew he was improving with a lightsaber, and a part of him relished the idea of running into Kylo Ren again. 

The base itself was starting to feel like an actual home. For the first time since he had arrived, he was starting to feel like he actually belonged there – not just as a useful defector, or as a friend of Poe’s, or a trainee commando, but just him. Finn. Resistance member, one of many, with a routine and a room and life that felt like his own. Even his fellow cadets were starting to feel less like co-recruits and more like friends. In the First Order, he had been taught that a squad was only as strong as its weakest link, and that he should be willing to leave any soldier behind or sacrifice anyone’s life if it meant completing a mission. That had never sat well with him, and now he could fully understand why – he knew in his core that he would risk his life without hesitation for any of his squad, and that they would do the same for him. 

At the core of his new life was his relationship with Poe. Every now and again, he found himself almost trying to wake up, expecting on some level to find out that none of it was real. The idea that he could have found himself here – on a Resistance planet, getting ready to fight the Order he had been ready to flee from – felt incredible enough without throwing in a handsome, kind, borderline-celebrity ace pilot who could make him feel completely comfortable in his own skin, and make him laugh at the drop of a hat. Which wasn’t the say that their relationship was perfect – days would pass where they barely saw each other, or where they were both too tired to do anything but fall asleep next to each other at the end of the day. Added to that, the hiding and lying was becoming a problem, although one that Finn had decided could be dealt with at a later date. After all, why risk spoiling something that seemed to be working well?

He kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, while not being quite sure what form it would take. The answer came in the hangar, during an afternoon off where he had decided to ‘help’ with Poe’s maintenance work, which largely involved hanging out with BB-8 and handing Poe tools while asking endless questions about the work Poe was doing.

Snap’s voice came from the door of the hangar. “Hey, you guys are going to want to see this!”

He and Poe looked up, and he somehow knew what Snap was going to say before he said it.

“Rey and Luke are back!”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Finn spent 16 unbroken minutes talking about Rey that night.

Poe listened as attentively as he could, making all the right noises in all the right places. In all honesty, he was as interested as anyone in where Rey had been (which turned out to be “a barely-inhabited ocean planet”) and what she had been doing (which amounted to “intensive Jedi training”), but Finn’s recounting came with a level of awe and adulation that made Poe’s stomach clench uncomfortably. Finn had spent most of the evening showing Rey around the base properly, given that her last stay there had been brief and extremely eventful, and catching up on the last few months of each of their lives. Poe had left them to catch up privately, which he knew on a rational level was the polite, sensible thing to do. Now, though, listening to Finn rhapsodise about her, he couldn’t help but feel left out.

“It’s just amazing to have someone here who really gets it!” gushed Finn at one point. 

Poe smiled tightly and said nothing.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were 3 people waiting in General Organa’s office.

The day after Rey and Luke arrived, Finn showed up at his morning training as normal. Admiral Statura, however, shook his head when he saw him. 

“Not today, Finn,” he said. “General Organa has asked that you be sent to her immediately.”

The other cadets looked at him in surprise. Finn felt a moment of shock himself – was Statura going to tell them he had been training separately? 

He left without meeting anyone’s eye and made his way quickly to General Organa’s office where, along with the General, he found Luke and Rey waiting for him.

“Thank you for joining us,” said Organa.

Luke stood to greet him, extending a cybernetic hand. Finn shook it, noting the strong grip. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you properly, Finn,” he said, his voice soft and almost eerily calm. “Rey’s told me a lot about you.” 

“Likewise,” said Finn, as they both sat down. He turned to look at Organa, presuming that she hadn’t called him here just to meet her brother. Sure enough, she cleared her throat and addressed Finn directly.

“As you know from Rey already, she’s been working with Luke to develop her abilities. They’ll be staying here on D’Qar for the next few weeks while we work on gathering intelligence for a mission Luke is planning.”

“A mission?” echoed Finn, curious as to what could have drawn Luke out of hiding, but General Organa shook her head.

“The details aren’t important right now. What is important is you – specifically, your training with me. Luke has agreed that, for the duration of his time here, you should work with him and Rey.”

Rey beamed over at him in delight and, despite his misgivings, Finn felt a rush of excitement. The last Jedi Master in the universe, and Finn might get to train with him! But his initial response was wary.

“Ma’am…I appreciate it, but…does this mean I won’t be working with my squad any more?”

Organa looked like she was quietly pleased to hear this question. “You’ll split your time. Mornings with Luke, afternoons with Admiral Statura. I should warn you, the next few weeks will be tough – however, with effort, they will also be incredibly rewarding.”

Finn nodded with relief. 

“We’ll meet at the south entrance in 20 minutes,” said Luke. “Bring your lightsaber.”

After swinging by his quarters, Finn raced to the entrance to meet Rey and Luke. Luke was holding a large bag, while Rey had only a lightsaber strapped to her hip. Luke led the way into the forest that surrounded the base, saying nothing. Finn got the strong impression from Rey’s body language that this was normal, so he followed suit and said nothing himself. After a while, they reached a clearing that seemed to meet Luke’s approval. Dropping the bag, he turned to them and spoke in the same calm, even tones.

“Leia tells me she’s been teaching you the basics. I’d like to see for myself how strong you are. Please, draw your lightsabers.”

He reached into the bag and drew out two training droids, flicking them on and releasing them into the air. To his left, from the corner of his eye, Finn saw Rey activating her bright blue ‘saber – he activated his own and held it defensively above him. Slowing his breathing, he began to block the shots that issued from the droid.

Even in his peripheral vision, he could see that Rey’s movements were incredibly quick and fluid. As the droid sped up, she sped up to match it, while Finn could feel his own muscles tiring as he deflected shot after shot.

“Reflect a shot onto this rock,” said Luke suddenly, throwing a large stone into the middle of the clearing.

Rey complied immediately, shifting her ‘saber so that the next shot bounced directly onto the stone. Finn tried to follow suit, but the sudden order had disrupted his calm, and he barely even blocked the next shot, which whizzed into a tree several metres to the left of his target. He steadied himself and tried again, but the next few shots only scorched the earth around the rock, while Rey landed shot after shot onto it. Finn tried to calm his frustration, which wasn’t helped by Rey’s encouraging glances in his direction.

The rest of the morning went much the same way. When Luke asked them both to levitate objects around the clearing, Rey was able to lift a massive log while Finn could barely move a large stone. When he asked them to climb a nearby tree, Finn struggled while Rey soared, seeming to leap up the tree as if gravity had no effect on her. As he clambered back down, exhausted, he began to wonder what time it was. As if reading his thoughts, Luke nodded.

“I think you should head back to your other classes. We’ll meet in the same place tomorrow morning.” He placed an encouraging hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Leia has taught you well. I think we should make a lot of progress while I’m here.”

Finn stood up straighter and met Luke’s eye. “General Organa is an excellent teacher, sir,” he said, the first words he had uttered since they left the base. A slight smile crept onto Luke’s face.

“I have no doubt,” he said. “And please, call me ‘Luke’. I’m not in charge of either of you. I train you as a friend with more experience in the Force, not as a Master.”

Finn wasn’t sure why this distinction mattered, but Luke had already started collecting the pieces of training equipment he had brought. As Finn turned to head back to the base, Rey caught his eye.

‘Meet me later’ she mouthed, before heading back over the join Luke.

When he reached the base, Finn headed straight to the firing range, guessing from the time of day that he’d find his squad there. Sure enough, all five of them were lined up, a target simulator running. Seeing him approaching, Admiral Statura gave the order to holster their weapons. His fellow cadets turned as one; their expressions ranged from curiosity to outright suspicion. 

“I told them you’d explain it all when you got back,” said Statura, effectively turning the floor over to him. Before he could say a word, Furen caught sight of the metal handle still hanging loosely from his waistband.

“Is that a lightsaber?” he gasped, and a murmur of surprise ran through the rest of the group.

Finn unconsciously put a hand to it, flushing a little. He nodded slowly. “Yes. I’ve been training with General Organa, and today with Luke Skywalker. I’m…they think I’m Force-sensitive.” He wasn’t sure why he underplayed it – it just felt like the right way to broach the topic. “I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner,” he said, looking around at the suspicious faces staring back at him, willing them to say something. 

His wish was granted with a burst of questions came from the group, blurring almost into one voice.

“Wait, you mean like Kylo Ren?”

“Does that mean you’re a Jedi now?”

“And you didn’t tell us?”

“Can you actually do all that stuff from the stories?”

“Enough!”

Admiral Statura’s voice cut across the others. “There will be plenty of time for questions later. For now, we are mid-exercise. Finn, please grab a blaster and get in line. The rest of you, eyes on the range.”

Finn shot him a grateful look, appreciating the time to let the news sink in among the other cadets. His reprieve was only temporary though – as soon as they were released for the evening, the questions started again, though more measured this time. He answered as best he could, but he could feel a layer of suspicion within the group every time he said he didn’t know something, as if he was just holding out further information from them. He could understand this, even if he didn’t like it – in their position, he’d feel the same way. As they reached the crew quarters and began to break off, he called out, “Guys!”

Everyone stopped to look at him.

“I really am sorry, for all of this.”

There were a few nods of acknowledgment, but no one said anything as they all headed back to their own rooms. He stayed standing in the hall for a moment; Kaydel, the last to leave, gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder.

“Give us a little time. We’re not angry, it’s just a lot to take in.”

He gave her a grateful smile, but couldn’t help but worry. He was almost grateful to be able to seek out Rey in the mess later, to give his squad some time to regroup and talk without his presence. Seeing Rey at a table on her own – she was a bit of a celebrity on base, but clearly intimidating enough that no one wanted to approach her – he made his way over to her, passing Poe on the way and giving him a quick wink that went unreturned. Finn found this a little strange, but didn’t have the mental bandwidth to worry about it immediately. 

As he joined Rey at her table, she flashed him a genuine smile.

“Good work today,” she said warmly.

He snorted. “Yeah, right. I’m nothing next to you – some of that stuff was unbelievable! That climbing thing – can you fly now? Is that what he’s been teaching you on that island?”  
She tried to keep her grin down, but it lit up her whole face.

“Finn, it’s amazing. And it’s not even a fraction of what Luke can do. I just still can’t believe this is all happening!”

He couldn’t help but smile at her infectious enthusiasm. “I know, right? It still kinda feels like a dream.”

“I’m just so glad to have someone to talk to who understands!” she said. “Luke is a good teacher, but he’s not exactly talkative, and he’s been doing this long enough that I don’t think he can remember what it feels like to be new at it.”

“I know exactly what you mean. I can’t even find words for it when I’m trying to explain it to…people.”

He trailed off lamely. He hadn’t mentioned anything to Rey about Poe, mostly because he wasn’t sure if she’d be bound by some student-master code to tell Luke, but also because it felt like a weird subject to discuss with her. Fortunately, she seemed to take him to be referring to his squad.

“How was your afternoon?” she asked sympathetically. “I’m guessing there was a little friction?”

“Why would you say that?” he asked.

“Well, the five pairs of eyes boring into the back of my head gave me a hint.” Finn looked over her shoulder and saw his entire squad suddenly looking away. Finn winced.

“Yeah, they may need a bit of time,” he said. 

“You’ve really started to fit in here, haven’t you?” she asked. He shrugged.

“I had. We’ll see how long that lasts now.”

She patted his hand. “They’ll get over it. Although, you should know…” She looked around and lowered her voice. “You may have other options.”

“What do you mean?”

“I overheard Luke and Leia talking. This mission Luke and I are going on – I don’t know exactly what it involves, but Luke said that if you show potential with the Force, he wants to bring you with us.”

Finn let this sink in. “Was Organa OK with that?”

Rey shrugged. “Not really. Would that matter, though? It’s not like she’s going to lock you up here and make you stay.”

Finn swallowed hard. The thought of heading out into space on a mystery adventure with a pair of Jedi made his stomach leap with excitement, but the idea of leaving the base behind felt unthinkable, in more way than one. He glanced over at the pilots’ table, but Poe had already left. 

“No, I…I guess she isn’t.”

Rey noticed his discomfort. “You wouldn’t have to. It’s totally up to you. I’d really like to have you there too, but if you’re happy here, I respect that.”

“Thanks,” said Finn. “Look, would you mind if I-?”

“Not at all – go!” said Rey.

Finn headed straight to Poe’s quarters, but got no answer. Going for Poe’s second home, he went to the hangar – sure enough, Poe was there, tinkering with a repair droid. When he saw Finn, he laid down his tools and stood up.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” said Finn. 

“Good day?” There was a frosty touch to his voice that tipped Finn over the edge. He opened his mouth to try to answer, but couldn’t find the words. Poe softened immediately. He reached out to put his hands on Finn’s waist.

“Hey, are you OK?”

Finn pulled him in tight, resting his head on Poe’s shoulder.

“It’s just been a really, really long day.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Poe felt a head shaking against his shoulder.

“I just…can I just stay here for a while and watch you work?”

“Of course.” Poe pulled back and kissed him on the cheek. Slowly releasing Finn, he picked his tools back up and went back to his droid. Finn slumped down on the workbench next to him and watched his fingers carefully picking through the circuitry. From time to time, Poe would shoot him a worried look, but he said nothing.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Poe’s longest relationship had lasted 5 months.

He knew on some level that this was, for his age, extremely short, but he always rationalised it based on the hectic life he lived. Bouncing from planet to planet with a ragtag Resistance force didn’t leave a huge amount of time to form personal attachments, and he had, prior to Finn, managed to avoid getting entangled in anything too serious with anyone else on-base. He was no stranger to romance, and in fact considered himself (in his immodest moments) pretty expert at it, but if he was honest, he was flying blind with a lot of what came after the initial steps. In the past, any complications had usually resolved themselves – he had moved on, or there had been a pleasant mutual agreement that things were best kept casual, and he had lived blissfully free (for the most part) from the downsides of relationships.

And so it was new to him to find himself on the other side of things – to feel like someone he still cared deeply about was starting to move away from him. Part of it was practical – Finn had eventually explained his new training schedule to Poe, and had hinted at the friction it was causing with his cadet squad. As expected, since then, Finn had been flat out trying to juggle both sets of requirements, and it meant that he and Poe had barely seen each other – even at night, Finn had been staying in his room alone more often, desperate to catch up on a few hours of much-needed sleep. This would have been manageable, but Poe could feel him pulling away emotionally as well. He knew Finn wasn’t telling him everything, but he couldn’t even begin to figure out what was wrong, especially when they barely spoke some days.

And so, Poe did what came naturally – he prepared himself for impact, and began to get himself ready for what it would feel like to lose Finn.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took Finn 5 days to notice that Poe was pulling away from him.

It wasn’t anything that Poe was doing, exactly. If anything, it was what he wasn’t doing. He had stopped seeking Finn out at mealtimes, stopped trying to find time to meet him on the firing range or for hand-to-hand training. Most of all, he had stopped asking about what Finn was doing with Luke and Rey, or his squad, or anything really. He was still perfectly friendly to Finn, and they still stayed together some nights, but it felt to Finn like they had suddenly transitioned into some kind of friends-with-benefits relationship without him even noticing.

He knew, being fair, that he was at least partially to blame. Even if Poe had been trying to spend time with him, he had none to give. If Poe had asked questions, he would have deflected. He had no idea how to tell Poe that he might be offered a mission outside of the Resistance, especially when he wasn’t sure himself whether or not he’d want to take it. What would that mean for them? Could he realistically ask Poe to wait for him? Could he ask Poe to be OK with him leaving when he himself wasn’t even remotely OK with it, when the very thought of leaving made his gut clench? And yet, a part of him felt that this could be an opportunity to find out even more about himself, and the power he had, and he wasn’t sure how he could turn that down.

And so, he watched Poe drift away from him, feeling helpless to do anything but let it happen.

His state of mind was, to his dismay, no secret to those around him.

“You need to calm down,” said Luke as Finn crashed down from the tree he’d been trying to climb. Rey sat across the clearing, eyes closed, levitating a circle of stones around her and seemingly oblivious to the outside world.

“I. Am. Calm,” Finn said through gritted teeth. 

Luke didn’t bother responding to that, but continued with what he had been saying. “You’re adept at sensing the Force in the world around you, but channelling it through yourself takes a different level of focus. It requires absolute emotional control. Trying to gain that power without focus – trying to access it from a place of anger, or fear, or frustration – all of these are paths to the dark side.”

Finn picked himself up off the ground. “The dark side?” General Organa had skirted around any discussion of the dark side or the light side in their training so far.

“Yes. The dark side offers immense power, but it thrives on our worst emotions, on our hatred and fear. The most powerful users of the light side have traditionally shed themselves of emotional attachments in order to avoid corruption.”

“What do you mean by ‘attachments’?” asked Finn warily.

“Family. Loved ones. Even friends, in some cases. That’s part of why I left.”

Finn was deathly silent. Luke hadn’t spoken of his self-imposed exile – in fact, this was the most Finn had heard him speak. 

“If I had stayed here,” he continued, “I would have been too tempted to let my darkest emotions take me over. My rage, my sense of loss. It would only have made things worse. I needed to cut myself off, to find my centre again before I became as much of a threat as Snoke.”

“So…someone who has that. Loved ones. People they care about. Are they more likely to fall to the dark side?” 

“Sometimes. The path is different for everyone. Right now, you’re afraid. You fear loss, and hurt, and you don’t know how to avoid it. If you let them, those emotions will bring out your worst self.”

“So how do I avoid that?”

Luke shook his head sadly. “You must find your own path to controlling your emotions, whatever that means for you. I can only tell you what has worked for me.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took one angry exchange for everything to fall apart. 

Finn stumbled back from training that day in a spin, trying to sort through everything Luke had said. If he couldn’t control how he felt, couldn’t manage the confusion and hurt that he felt about Poe, he was lining himself up for the dark side. But if the alternative meant cutting himself off…

He broke into a run, needing to be further away from the forest clearing and the silence, needing the noises of the base to help ground him. As he broke through the forest onto one of the perimeter paths around the base, he was surprised to find himself facing Poe.

“Hey,” said Poe, looking surprised at his sweaty, dishevelled appearance. “Are you…is everything OK?”

Finn wanted to explode, wanted to pour out everything that he was feeling, but he had no idea how to say it. 

“No, it’s…it’s OK,” he said after a moment.

Poe looked at him sadly. “Sure. Yeah. Well, see you later.”

Something in Finn snapped.

“Is this how it’s going to be? Is this how much we talk now?”

Poe set his jaw obstinately. “I don’t know. Is it?”

Finn felt like he was falling over his words as they rushed out. “I just got told that I’m apparently a dark side risk because I feel actual feelings, OK? So I’m sorry if I don’t know what to do with that, but I’m kinda freaking out here.”

Poe looked worried, but his jaw was still clenched. “Well then tell me! Finn, I want to help you, but how can I when you don’t let me in?”

“How can I let you in on this stuff? How weird is it to tell someone that your feelings for them might be a danger to them, and to everyone else? I mean, you don’t even…”  
He trailed off, but it was out there. 

“'Don’t even’ what? Understand? Is that it, Finn? Because I’m not one of you guys, I couldn’t possibly help?”

“Poe-”

“No,” snapped Poe. “If I won’t get it, then why don’t you just go talk to Rey? I’m sure she’ll understand much better.”

Finn noted his tone, heard the slight edge on ‘Rey’, and something clicked in his head. “Is that what this is about? Rey? Is that why you’ve been so weird with me – because she’s back?”

Poe shifted, not meeting Finn’s eyes. “No! But Finn, you rave about her all the time, you clearly feel like you have more in common with her anyway. Hell, maybe you could even hold her hand in public without it being a big deal.”

Finn felt like he’d been punched. “That was your decision too!”

“Yeah, and it sucks, alright? But it’s what you wanted-”

“I thought it was what we wanted! And really, you think I’m getting ready to dump you for Rey? It’s like you don’t even know me at all. Maybe I _should_ just leave.”

Finn regretted the words as soon as they were out. Poe opened his mouth to respond, but caught the look on Finn’s face. Finn could see his face shift as his brain caught up with the words Finn had just said, as he realised what they meant.

“So that’s it? That’s what you’ve been training with them for, why you’ve been so secretive since you started? You’re leaving with them when they go.”

Finn shook his head frantically. “No, Poe, I’m not – it’s not like that!”

Poe looked at him in disgust. “You’re unbelievable, Finn. You know what, maybe you should just go. Fly off with Rey and do your own thing out there in the galaxy. It’s not like there’s anything keeping you here.”

Finn stared back at him, matching his disgust inch for inch. “No. I guess there isn’t.”

Poe glared at him for a moment longer, looking like he was itching to get the last word. Instead, he turned and stormed off, seething. Finn stared after him for a moment, then turned and walked quickly back to his quarters.


	6. Chapter 6

It took 18 hours for the anger to fade enough for the pain to kick in.

Righteous indignation at Poe’s unreasonable reaction carried him through his afternoon training, through a tense and quiet meal with Rey, and into a restless night’s sleep. Then, in the corridor outside his room, he passed Poe, already on his way back from breakfast. For a moment Poe seemed to hesitate, and Finn felt a momentary urge to stop. For just a heartbeat, he wanted to apologise – admit he’d been wrong, tell Poe how much he cared, how sorry he was, and beg for them to move past it all. But his hurt and anger took over, and he walked past Poe without acknowledging him, only catching the tensing of Poe’s jaw from the corner of his eye. Finn felt a pang of twisted pride – there was no way, after going through so much to earn a life for himself, that he was about to abase himself for some guy. 

And then a twist of pain, as it began to properly sink in – it was over. The one constant in his life was gone, and it was entirely his fault. The person who could always make him laugh, who made him feel safe, who had until recently been the one person he felt like he could really talk to, wasn’t even speaking to him.

He dug his nails into his palms and tried to slow his breathing. Somehow, he forced himself through his day, throwing himself into both of his training sessions to try to distract himself, and yet failing miserably in both. His mind was as far from his work as it could possibly be, and his inattention earned him a gentle admonition from Luke and a blistering rebuke from Statura – it was hard to decide which was harder to take. The night, though, was the worst, as he lay awake staring at the ceiling of his quarters, which suddenly seemed lower and greyer than before. In the early hours of the morning, still sleepless, he jumped out of bed and tore the ripped jacket from his wall. He stuffed it into a drawer and slammed it shut with enough force that the wall behind the unit seemed to shake. Sitting back onto his bed, he sat upright for what felt like hours playing over every word of their last fight, running through each and every way he could have stopped it all. 

His slow deterioration didn’t escape the notice of those around him. His fellow cadets, who were still keeping him somewhat at arm’s length, all approached him separately over the next few days. Some, like Jokko, brought casual offers of some extra-curricular sparring, which seemed to be his version of a peace offering; others, like, Dur’en, were more direct in their approach, sitting him down and asking him what was going on. He became practiced at plastering on a fake smile and assuring them that everything was OK, while politely-but-firmly insisting that he was just over-tired and needed some alone time to destress. The only person this didn’t work on was Rey, who seemed entirely resistant to any attempt to keep her at arms-length, eating every meal with him, talking to him normally, refusing to accept any polite hints that he’d prefer to be alone.

It didn’t help that living on the same base made it physically impossible to escape Poe’s presence. After a day or two he realised that he had no idea which of them was ignoring the other. Part of him wanted to just talk to Poe, even to say hello, but something stopped him every time Poe came near, some mix of stubbornness and hurt that overrode any rational instinct. He knew that they were both to blame for what had happened, but the mulish, childish part of his brain insisted that Poe had walked away, so Poe should be the one who cracked, who apologised, who reached out an olive branch. And so they continued to avoid each other, and Finn continued to lie awake at night until exhaustion overcame him.

On the sixth day, sleep-deprived and emotionally drained, he broke. He had completely lost the ability to centre himself – even the simplest of exercises were beyond him. Called on to move a rock from one side of the clearing to the other, he had difficulty even getting it off the ground. 

“Come on…come on!” he hissed, hand outstretched uselessly, the muscles in his arm straining uselessly as if he could somehow will himself into a calmness.

“You need to control your emotions,” said Luke. His tone was as even as ever, but somehow this only made Finn angrier.

“I’m TRYING!” he shouted, and for a beautiful moment, the turmoil inside him found an outlet. He wanted nothing more than to walk over to Luke and smack him square across the face, just to see if something would break him out of his unnatural stillness. This sudden mental focus seemed to flick a switch in him – he could suddenly feel it again, the Force, surging through him, but not like before. Instead of a flow ebbing in and out of him, it felt like a fire in his gut. Electricity seemed to tingle through his whole body. 

Flexing his arm again, he felt his mind grip the rock. With a flick of his wrist, it shot from the ground and flew across the clearing like a bullet, smashing into a tree so hard that it lodged in the trunk.

“There! Are you happy now?!” he snarled, turning to look at Luke. For once, it bore a discernible emotion – Luke stared back at him with a sadness that seemed to emanate from him like a physical wave. What truly made Finn’s gut twist, though, was the look of horror on Rey’s face. The anger drained from him in a heartbeat, and his mind felt empty and useless again. 

“I’m…I’m sorry. I don’t know-”

He stopped. He knew exactly what had happened. He shook his head hard, gasped out one last “I’m sorry!”, and fled into the woods. He had no idea what direction he was running in – he just ran as hard as he could, as fast as he could, until his lungs burned and he came to a juddering halt, clutching onto a tree to keep himself upright.

“Hey! HEY!” He heard Rey’s voice behind him – he was faintly aware that she must have been yelling at him the entire time he was running. Bursting through a pair of trees, she found herself a few feet away from him and pulled herself up short.

“Finn, what was that? Are you OK?”

Finn shook his head. “That was…that was me using the dark side, because I lost my temper over nothing. That was the end of my training.” He felt his voice catch on the last words, feeling a cold horror at the thought. He sank down to the ground, slumping against the tree.

Rey shook her head obstinately. “No. No way. Finn, what’s going on? You’ve been acting insane for days – just tell me what’s wrong! I can help! Please.”

And so, too exhausted to do anything else, he did.

“Poe and I broke up,” he said quietly. 

“Poe and you? As in...oh…” she said, realisation setting in after a moment. “When?”

“A week, give or take.” He looked up and met her eyes, pouring out everything he’d been thinking as he lay awake at night. “I’ve screwed everything up. My squad thinks I went behind their backs, and they barely trust me. Luke thought I was too emotional to be trained even before I went psycho on him. And the one person who I could have talked to about all of this is ignoring me, because I didn’t talk to him about it when I had the chance.”

Rey sat down next to him and took his hand. He looked down at his feet, not wanting to deal with her compassion.

“Oh Finn…I’m so sorry. But look, it’s never too late. Talk to him. Talk to Luke, talk to your commando friends! You’re not a screw-up, Finn. Hey!” He looked up in surprise at the sharpness in her tone. “Listen to me, alright? You came back for me. You saved my life. Do you have any idea what that meant? You’re a good man, and if they can’t see that - Luke, Poe, any of them – then they’re idiots.”

He gave her hand a squeeze and stood up. “Thank you for trying, but honestly, Rey, it’s too late. I don’t belong here. I should have known that from the start.”

He started to walk away, ignoring the feeling of her eyes drilling into his back. Pausing briefly to look up at the sun and roughly orient himself, he corrected his course and kept walking. After what felt like an hour he emerged on the perimeter path around the base. He made his way quickly to his room, grateful that the early hour meant most of the base were still occupied elsewhere. It took only a few minutes to pack up his things, emptying the meagre content of his drawers into a haversack he had borrowed from the hangar and never gotten around to returning. He hesitated when he came to his jacket, his first real possession. After a moment’s hesitation, he shoved it into the bag, telling himself that it was only practical – ruined or not, another layer could come in useful.

Finally, he came to the drawer containing an empty wooden box. Unfastening the lightsaber from his belt, he placed it gently into the box and snapped it shut.

He wasn’t even sure if she’d be in her office, but when he arrived there a few minutes later, General Organa let him in almost immediately. She looked unsurprised to see him; her eyes flicked down to the box in his arms, then back up to his face, one eyebrow arching.

“Have a seat,” she said. Finn sat, placing the box on the table in front of him. He paused for a moment as she sat back into her own chair, trying to find the right words.

“General…I’m sorry to do this. I really am. But I’m leaving. I am so, so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I shouldn’t be here.” She said nothing, studying him carefully, appraisingly. “You don’t seem surprised.”

“Rey was here shortly before you,” she said, by way of explanation. “We had a very enlightening conversation.”

Finn felt a rush of frustration. “She shouldn’t have done that.” 

“Well, I’m glad she did. Finn, I should say – I’m truly sorry.”

Finn was caught off guard. “Why?”

“Because I should have anticipated this. We’ve been pushing you hard since you got here, and I haven’t been as attentive as I should have to what effect that’s been having on you, or on your squad. We should have handled that better.”

He shook his head. “It’s not…you don’t have to apologise.”

“Yes, I do,” she said. “Finn, if you want to leave, I’m not going to keep you here against your will. But I would be sad to see you go. And I’m not taking this back.”

She slid the box back across her desk. Finn shook his head emphatically.

“I can’t keep that.”

“Yes, you can, and you’re going to,” she said, in a tone that invited no disagreement. “It’s yours now. Wherever you go, you’re going to do extraordinary things. That lightsaber will help you.”

“It’s not safe with me,” he said, eyes dropping to the desk between them, unable to meet her gaze. “Or I’m not safe with it. General, you didn’t see me today.”

“Do you really think you’re the first person to ever use the Force in anger?” she said, a hint of exasperation creeping into her voice. “Finn, I love my brother, and he is one of the wisest people I’ve ever known. He’s also wrong sometimes.”

Finn looked up in surprise. 

“Shutting off your emotions isn’t the only way to master your abilities. Sadness and hurt and anger – they’re all natural. You should feel those feelings. You just can’t let them control you, and the only way to do that is to let yourself actually feel them. Pushing them down, being _afraid_ to let yourself experience any kind of loss – _that_ is what will lead you to the dark side. Trust me, Finn. I’ve lost enough to know what I’m talking about.”

Finn felt a sting of shame at how badly he was handling his own problems, especially compared to everything that the General must have gone through, but there was no rebuke in her tone, just a calm matter-of-factness.

“So how do I do that, then? ‘Feel my feelings’?”

She held her hand out across the desk. Tentatively, he reached out and took it.

“Close your eyes.” He did as she asked. “Breathe deeply. Find your centre, like you always have before. And whatever you’ve been trying to push down, let it out. Acknowledge what you feel, and make it a part of you. Accept what your mind and body are telling you.”

Her voice was low and soothing, and Finn found himself slipping into proper focus for the first time in days. Every thought he’d spent the last week trying to suppress – every piece of anger and loss and loneliness – slowly crept into his mind, but he focused on the General’s hand, and stopped trying to hold them in. He let it all wash over him, and felt his shoulders relax even though he had barely been aware he was tensing them. He let Poe’s face swim into focus, and felt a familiar twist of his gut, but he let it sit, forcing himself to push through every emotion he was feeling – every bitter sting of disappointment, every bit of selfish anger, and the ache of absence that he’d been fighting harder than he even realised to keep suppressed. He kept his breathing slow and steady, until he began to feel a sense of calm emanating – not at the expense of all of his other feelings, but alongside them. He missed Poe, but that was OK. A part of him wanted to yell at Poe, and that was also OK. Another part of him wanted to yell at himself for letting it all fall apart – that was less OK. But for the first time, he didn’t feel like his own brain was trying to overwhelm him from within.

“Finn.”

He opened his eyes, blinking, wondering just how long they’d been sitting there. In front of him, the box was floating, gently swaying back and forth with his breathing. He was suddenly very aware of his hand in General Organa’s – snapping to attention, he let go and felt his mind slide out of its meditative trance. The box dropped to the table with a clatter that made him wince. Organa, though, just smiled kindly at him.

“How do you feel?” she asked. 

“Terrible,” he replied, honestly. He felt like he had been awake for weeks, and every bit of energy had drained out of him. But there was a sense of lightness, too, that he hadn’t felt in days, and he could hear a levity in his voice that he’d barely realised had been missing.

Organa heard it too, and gave a low chuckle.

“That’s to be expected. You’ve had a rough few days.” Her face became more serious. “Can I ask that you sleep on your decision? If you still want to leave in the morning, come and find me and I’ll arrange everything.”

He nodded, knowing that he was too exhausted to leave even if he had wanted to. He started to stand, but stopped as she spoke again.

“Finn, there’s one other thing I wanted to ask. Why did you stay here? I really wasn’t sure if you were going to.”

“I wanted to be a hero,” he said, too drained to even think of telling anything but the blunt truth. “I wanted to do something _right_. You know, make the galaxy a better place.” He snorted slightly. “I’m sorry, that sounds ridiculous.” She chuckled again. Feeling a rush of boldness, he met her eye. 

“What about you, Ma’am? What makes you do this?”

If she found this impertinent or rude, it didn’t show on her face. She considered the question carefully. 

“On my worst days, I do this because it’s all I’ve ever known. And on my best? I do it because I want to, as you put it, ‘make the galaxy a better place’.” She let out a sigh. “I don’t know if that’s always what we accomplish. But we try, and sometimes, I think that’s what really matters.”

She shook her head, as if shaking herself back to normal. 

“Go and get some rest. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“Thank you, Ma’am,” he said, though even to his own ears it sounded inadequate. “I…I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I can’t thank you enough.”

Her eyes showed a flicker of pride. “It’s been a pleasure, Cadet.”

He trudged back to his room, box in hand. He realised he had been in her office for far longer than he thought – people were heading towards the mess for dinner – but he was so exhausted that he couldn’t even think about eating. Letting himself back into his room, he jumped when he saw someone already lying on his bed.

“Rey?”

She sat bolt upright.

“Well?” She looked at him anxiously, and he felt a weary spark of amusement.

“She asked me to sleep on it. I agreed,” he said. “And you have some boundary issues. How did you even beat me back here?”

She allowed herself a tiny smirk. “I’m fast.”

“And how did you get into my room without a code?”

The smirk grew wider. “I’m _good_.”

He walked over to the bed and slumped down on it next to her. She stayed sitting, but placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“You should talk to him,” she said.

“Who, Luke? I guess. Even if I’m leaving, I should apologise.”

She shot him a withering look, as if he were a complete idiot. “Not Luke,” she said. “Poe.”

Finn weighed this up. A few hours previously, he would have shot her down, but in his newly calm state, he could see what she meant. One way or another, they owed each other at least another conversation. And if it was their last one, that would be awful, and painful, and he would figure out how to deal with it.

He nodded his agreement and she gave his shoulder a squeeze. He wasn’t sure how much longer she sat with him – he fell into a deep sleep almost immediately, coming to in the early morning to find a plate of dinner rations sitting next to him, presumably a gift from Rey. 

Slowly stretching out and getting his bearings, he felt rested for the first time in days. He lay in bed taking in everything around him. He listened to the slight clatter of the dilapidated ventilation system that ran through the base, and the growing hum of noise outside as everyone else woke up and made their way to the mess, greeting each other on the way. He felt the scratch of his standard-issue sheets, and the lumpy pillow that was still the best he’d ever had. He inhaled the smell of his room, and the slightest scent of burnt leather that had never quite gone away. 

He knew exactly what he needed to do. Steeling himself, riding on a still-half-asleep wave of courage, he knocked on Poe’s door. 

“He’s in the hangar.” He looked around to see Jessika watching him suspiciously.

“Of course…” he muttered to himself, trying to work out if he had enough time to make it and realising he didn’t. 

“Want me to tell him you were looking for him?” she asked. 

“No, that’s OK,” said Finn. “I’ll get him later.” Assuming that he hadn’t thought better of it by then, he didn’t add. She looked him up and down, seeming for a moment like she was going to say something else, but then turned and walked off in the direction of the hangar.

Finn made his way to the usual meeting spot, where Rey and Luke had been joined by General Organa. She smiled as he arrived, but he could see the apprehension in her eyes. He greeted her with a sharp nod.

“Ma’am.” He turned to Luke. “I want to apologise for my behaviour yesterday. If you’d let me, I’d like to keep training with you.”

For a moment, Luke’s face remained impassive; Finn held his breath and tried to prepare for the worst. Then, Luke’s eyes softened. 

“Of course. Let’s get going.” 

Finn couldn’t keep himself from smiling; Rey, too, was beaming at him. When he met General Organa’s eye again, there was an understanding there – she looked quietly pleased, but said nothing as he followed Rey and Luke towards the forest. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 4 flashes of blue light to make the bottom fall out of the world.

At first, training was a marked improvement. Finn was still vastly inferior to Rey in everything they did, but his basic control was returning, even if his mind was still clouded. It helped that Luke was taking things slowly, focusing on meditation rather than testing and improving their active Force use. 

Suddenly, a strange feeling of dread came over Finn. He looked around, peering into the forest – had he heard something? Sensed someone? Were his normal senses and soldier’s instincts picking up on a threat, or was this something more?

Luke noticed his agitation.

“Is something wrong?”

“I think so? I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about… _something_.” To his dismay, Luke seemed distinctly perturbed by this. Rey, too, was watching him in deep concern. 

“Can you see something?” she asked. “Are we in danger?”

He felt something shift as she asked this. “No…not us.” Like a bolt of lightning, he knew with absolute certainty what was wrong. “Poe. Poe’s in danger.”

He looked up at them both – as soon as he said the words out loud, he knew what was happening. The Force was warning him, and he needed to act. He felt his panic rising.

“We need to get back there! C’mon!”

Jumping up, he sprinted back the way they had come. 

“Finn, be careful!” Luke’s voice already sounded distant. He heard crashing in the trees behind him – a moment later, Rey sped past him, diving through the brush and over every fallen branch and piece of forest debris like she was skating on air. He could barely keep up – she burst out of the forest onto the base perimeter path a few seconds before him and paused to get her bearings as he crashed out after her, panting heavily. He started to run again, but she grabbed his arm and pointed over the buildings, where the familiar outlines of four X-Wings could be seen rapidly disappearing into the distance. As they made the jump to hyperspace, the ships left only a brief flash of blue light.

Finn felt like someone had hit him over the head with a rock. The world seemed to be coming in through a distant filter – everything was overwhelmed by the sheer horror he felt. He slowly became conscious of Rey’s hand on his arm, dragging him back into a run as they moved towards the hangar. Shaking himself out of his stupor as they rounded one of the outlying buildings he took in the main airfield in front of them.

The entire base was a whirlwind of activity – people seemed to be rushing in all directions, and Finn immediately clocked the high number of weapons being brandished. In the chaos, he saw his cadet squad – grabbing Rey, he ran towards them.

“Finn!” said Leekhh. “Didn’t you guys hear the alert being sounded?”

“No!” He looked at Rey in dismay. “We must have been too deep into the forest. What’s happening?”

Kaydel cut in, snapping into mission control mode under the pressure. “A convoy of transports en route from Chandrila were attacked by a squadron of TIE fighters on the edge of the Ileenium system. The fighter escort squadron send a distress signal; Blue Squadron were dispatched within minutes.”

Finn felt like he was going to vomit. “Just a squadron? TIEs aren’t long-range craft; there must have been something bigger nearby.”

Kaydel nodded. “Agreed, but we don’t know any more yet. The convoy was approaching an ion storm when they were attacked; their comms have been out since the distress call was made. It might have been a targeted attack, or the convoy could just have gotten unlucky with a random patrol.”

“So Blue Squadron could be flying into anything? And if they pass through the same ion storm, we won’t know anything either?”

She hesitated, looking pained. “Yes.”

Rey laid a hand on Finn’s back, but he could barely feel it. He stared at Kaydel, willing her to add something, anything, that might make this sound less disastrous.

Suddenly, Jokko shoved a blaster into his hands.

“Here. We’re getting ready – if this is a full-on assault, we’re going to need to hold the bastards off while the base is evacuated.”

Finn gripped the blaster, grateful to have something to think about other than where Poe might be and what might be happening to him. 

“Statura wants us reinforcing the artillery embankments to the north,” said Dur’en, leading the way through the bustle around them. “They’re just over this hill.”

Finn had been aware of the heavy-duty defensive weapons around the perimeter of the base, but hadn’t seen them manned in his time there. Now, though, there were gunners in each embankment – the artillery hummed with energy as they were readied to fire as needed. Taking up position behind them, Finn, Rey and his squadron hunkered down and waited.

The next few minutes passed at an agonising crawl. No one said a word, nerves and fear overtaking them all. Slowly, the time ticked by – 5 minutes, 10, 20. The feeling of dread in Finn’s gut intensified.

“You’d know,” said Rey, quietly but firmly. “You’d definitely know.”

Finn didn’t share her faith. His focus was still so shaken that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to sense Poe if he were standing right behind him, let alone if something happened to him thousands of miles away.

“We’ve got ships coming in, 5 klicks north-west!”

The voice came from one of the gunners. Finn and the others sprang to attention, scanning the skies for any sign of who or what was head their way.

“Look!” cried Furen. In the distance, a number of tiny grey shapes could be seen, rapidly growing larger. 

“Can you see? Is it them?” asked Dur’en anxiously.

“They’re still too far,” said Furen, squinting, his hands nervously clutching his blaster.

“Friendlies!” came another voice from the embankment. “Repeat, we have friendlies. They’re hailing over the short-range channels – no casualties, no one coming after them. They’re safe!”

Finn’s knees felt weak as relief rushed over him. All around them, a cheer was slowly rising as word spread. He and Rey moved with the crowd who were now heading towards the landing strip, waiting to greet the successful Resistance heroes.

As the ships touched down, Finn finally saw, close enough to make out a face and features, Poe sitting in the cockpit of _Black One_ , alive and awake and looking as good as Finn had ever seen him. He moved forward through the crowd, sliding ahead of his squadron and Rey, reaching the front, where people had stopped to give the ships enough room to land.

Poe clambered out of his ship and looking around at the cheering crowd in exhilaration, until his eyes fell on Finn and his expression faltered.

Finn felt like someone else had taken over his body. He strode forward, seeing nothing but Poe, only vaguely aware of the people gathered around or the other ships being unloaded or the medivac unit speeding towards the transports. There was only Poe alive and safe, Poe who he had been sure he had lost, Poe who was watching him now, his expression unreadable apart from a tiny glint in his eye.

In one smooth movement, Finn grabbed the front of Poe’s flight suit and kissed him desperately, as if it was the last kiss either of them would ever have. Finn briefly wondered if he had completely lost his mind, but then Poe’s arms snaked around his waist and he was gone again, the world outside fading into nothing. There was only this kiss and this moment.

This feeling became somewhat diminished as Finn became aware of the fact that there were dozens of people watching them, and at least two people wolf-whistling. Slowly, reluctantly, they broke apart. Finn kept a hand loosely on the front of Poe’s jumpsuit, while Poe in turn left his hands on Finn’s hips. 

“Hey,” said Finn, lacking the wherewithal for anything more eloquent. 

“Hey,” said Poe, grinning like an idiot, seeming equally lost for words.

“I should…I mean, you probably have to-” Finn started, keenly aware that Poe probably had some slightly more important things to be doing at that exact moment.

“Right!” said Poe, sounding disappointed. 

Finn leaned in and kissed Poe on the cheek. “Find me after,” he said, finally letting go of the jumpsuit. He turned and slipped back into the crowd, taking in the various mixtures of surprise and amusement around him, feeling a few claps on his shoulder and at least one “Nice job!” from Dur’en. He found Rey a few layers back, beaming at him, almost vibrating with excitement. In spite of himself, he found himself laughing for the first time in weeks. 

“Not. One. Word.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took 2 hours for Poe to escape from post-flight checks and debriefings. 

As soon as he was free he made a beeline for Finn’s room, where they were now curled up on the bed. There was barely a part of him that wasn’t cuddled against some part of Finn, as if the two of them were trying to make up for lost time by squeezing a week and a half’s worth of physical contact into one hour. At first they had said little, enjoying the comfortable silence.

“I’m sorry I was such an idiot,” he said, softly. Finn wriggled against him, shifting so he could look Poe in the eye.

“No, I’m sorry. I should have talked to you, about all of it. I just…I don’t know. It just seemed like so much was happening so quickly, and I kinda panicked.”

“Yeah, but I’m the one who overreacted. And I wasn’t exactly being a good boyfriend even before that.”

“Yeah, but I-” Finn cut himself off. “We could do this for a while, couldn’t we?”

Poe smiled in spite of himself. “Yeah, I guess we could.” He spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully. “The way we live here, the way my life is…you get used to everything being temporary. People move on, or they die. You get very used to enjoying things while they last. And then with you…I guess I didn’t want this to be quite so temporary, so when it seemed like it might be heading that way, I tried to cut myself off first so it wouldn’t hurt so much when you moved on too.” 

Finn’s intense stare didn’t waver as he poured this out, but his expression gave no hint what he was thinking. “And that’s why I’m sorry,” Poe finished lamely, feeling his skin prickle with embarrassment. 

Finn leaned in and pressed a soft kiss against his lips. 

“If it helps, I’m not going anywhere.”

Poe felt a surge of hope, but pushed it straight back down. 

“Finn…are you sure? You have an amazing gift, and the last Jedi Master offering to help you learn how to use it. You could do so much out there.”

“I can do a lot right here,” said Finn lightly, but his eyes dropped and his tone turned serious. “Poe…I got a taste today of what it would be like to lose you for good. I never want to feel that again.”

“Finn…”

“And I’ve been thinking,” Finn continued, ignoring the interruption. “Everyone keeps saying you’re meant to listen to the Force and let it guide you, right? Well, I think that’s why I had that weird premonition. It was a cosmic kick in the ass, showing me what I should have known already. Whatever path I’m on, my place is with you. The only place I _want_ to be is with you.”

Poe was completely lost for words. Finn seemed to take his momentary silence for discomfort, and awkwardly added “That is, if that’s alright with you…”

“I love you.” 

The words slipped out without Poe even thinking about them, which was for the best, because if he’d stopped to consider what he was saying he would have thought about how crazy it was to say that this soon, after everything they’d just gone through, and how much this had the potential to freak out someone like Finn who probably couldn’t even remember hearing those words directed at him before. And that would have meant missing out on the way Finn’s face lit up, and the delight in his eyes, and the words he whispered back.

“I love you too.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took about 18 seconds for any awkwardness with Finn’s cadet squad to be defused.

When he joined them the following afternoon as usual, every eye fell on him. 

“You really can keep a secret, can’t you?” Jokko said, breaking the silence, but his tone was almost admiring. 

“What I wanna know is why you’d keep that one to yourself,” said Dur’en wistfully. “I mean, he’s gorgeous. I’d have told everyone. I’d have stuck posters up in the mess.”

Leekh snorted. “She’s just fishing for details.” 

Furen chuckled and joined in. “Yeah, like whether he gets BB-8 involved.”

“Or if he has any issues burning up on re-entry.”

“Or whether he keeps his S-foils locked in attack position,” Dur’en chipped in.

“Yeah, thanks, you’re all hilarious,” said Finn sarcastically, but he felt a sense of relief that they seemed to be taking this much better than the last time. As they walked to the firing range for their daily practice, Kaydel fell into step next to him.

“You know,” she said, softly enough that the others couldn’t hear, “I don’t know what your old life was like. I can’t even begin to imagine. But you should know that you can tell us things here. We’re your squad, Finn. We’re your family.”

Finn had to fight back the urge to hug her.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There was raucous laughter at the pilot’s table as Finn approached.

He slowed down a little as he reached it, wondering what the etiquette was now that everything was out in the open, but Poe saw him and shifted around to make room. He slid in next to him as the laughter died down.

“What’s so funny?” he asked hesitantly, awkwardly aware that the answer might be “you”. 

“Poe was just telling us about his morning catch-up with Admiral Statura,” said Snap, fighting to keep himself from dissolving into giggles.

“It was awful,” Poe deadpanned. “I’m honestly not sure the man has ever had sex. He actually used the word ‘coitus’.” He gave a dramatic shudder.

Jess turned her attention to Finn.

“What about you? Did you escape without a lecture?”

Finn shrugged. “So far. I guess it’s a senior-officer-junior-officer thing?”

“If that’s what you want to call it,” said Iolo, with a smirk.

“I guess the initial cadets’ placements weren’t as off as we thought,” said Snap, barely holding himself together. “You really did have a bit of pilot in you.”

The table lost it, collapsing back into laughter. Poe shot Finn an apologetic look, but Finn just smiled back at him. “My squad were basically the same.”

“You know, you’re gonna need a flight name,” said Jess, cutting across the laughter. “You washed out of training before we gave you one, but if you’re going to be a pilot-in-law…”

“A flight name?” asked Finn, ignoring Poe rolling his eyes at Jess.

“Sure. C’mon, you know my name’s not _actually_ Snap, right? They just started calling me that because I used to get a little bit tetchy under pressure.”

“‘A little bit’?” Poe said with a wry chuckle. 

“And I’m ‘Testor’ in the air,” said Jess.

“Why doesn’t he have one?” asked Finn, nodding at Poe. 

“Oh, he does,” said Karé. “He’s ‘The’. As in _The_ Poe Dameron.”

“As you can see, ‘wit’ is not a particularly important factor in the process,” said Poe wearily.

“I’m thinking ‘Crash’,” said Jess. “In honour of your formidable flying skills.”

“Jess…” said Poe warningly, but Finn placed a hand on his.

“No, it’s good. I like it,” he said, watching Jessika’s eyes closely. In place of the usual challenging stare, she was looking at him with something like amusement – at his words, she gave a slight nod of approval. She may never want to fly with him again, but the pilots were a family as much as his squad were, and he knew he’d passed her standards for being a part of it. 

“To Crash and Poe,” said Snap, raising a glass as the others followed suit. Poe rolled his eyes again, but Finn could see the amusement underneath it. They shared a sly smile and raised their glasses in turn in their free hands.

“Crash and Poe.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There was the slightest hint of a tear in Rey’s eye as she hugged Finn goodbye.

She had been sad but understanding when Finn had told her days earlier that he planned on staying with the Resistance when she and Luke left. She had even held together pretty well when Luke had told them the previous morning that the Resistance had finally managed to obtain the information he was looking for, and that he and Rey would be leaving in less than 24 hours. But faced with actually leaving, her studied calm was giving way. 

“I’m just glad I’m leaving you conscious this time,” she said, forcing a smile onto her face. Finn pulled her in tighter.

“We’ll see each other again,” he whispered. She gave him one last squeeze and let go, turning her attention to Poe. He held out a hand, but she brushed it aside and pulled him in for a hug.

“If you hurt him, I _will_ know, and you _will_ regret it,” she whispered. Poe laughed, but Finn could see the well-warranted twinge of fear on his face over Rey’s shoulder. BB-8 whirled excitedly around their legs, and Rey bent to give it a light pat on the head. 

“Be good. And keep me up to date, alright?” she said, to a cheerful-sounding series of whistles from the droid.

Luke was waiting to shake Finn’s hand.

“You are, of course, always welcome to join us,” he said. “But for what it’s worth, I think you’re making the right choice. The Force has a way of bringing us all where we need to be.”

Finn smiled. “I think it does,” he said. “And thank you for everything.”

“I’m glad I could help. And I’m glad to be leaving you more at peace than when I met you. May the Force be with you.” And with that, Luke moved on to his waiting sister, pulling her in for a deep hug.

As he watched the _Millennium Falcon_ disappear into the distance, Finn was surprised at the total lack of conflict in his mind. He had assumed that he’d feel some disappointment when the time actually came, but instead, standing on the landing strip with Poe’s hand clutched in his, he knew in his gut that he was making the right decision. 

As the ship launched itself into hyperspace, Poe turned to Finn, still looking disquieted.

“She wouldn’t actually kill me, right?”

“Do you really plan on finding out?”

“Fair point.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There was a data drive on General Organa’s desk when she called Poe in to see her.

“I want you to know, Commander Dameron, that your continued service over the past few months has been greatly appreciated. Most people would have requested a leave of absence after everything you went through, but your dedication to the cause is admirable. I’ve been watching our newest pilots – they’re a credit to your skills as a teacher. And based on the mission reports I’ve seen, without you we would have lost the Chandrilan transports, as well as their fighter support.”

“Happy to be of service, Ma’am,” said Poe, appreciating the praise, but feeling distinctly like there was a ‘but’ coming.

“Given your commitment to service, I’m assigning you to another off-world mission immediately.” Poe sat up, suddenly curious. She slid the drive towards him. “I need this delivered to Koh Nalantaz, a contact of mine on Coruscant. I expect it will take him several days to gather the information I’m looking for; given the sensitive nature of this, I’d like you to stay on Coruscant while he works.”

“Of course, Ma’am,” said Poe, feeling confused. Getting to spend a few days on a core world was always nice, but this felt like a relatively simple task that she could have assigned to anyone. 

“And given the current climate,” Organa continued, “I think it would be wise for you to bring additional security with you. I’ve discussed it with Admiral Statura – he agrees that it’s time we start testing the cadets in his commando unit out in the field, and that one of them could be spared for a few days to act as your bodyguard on this mission. I will, of course, leave it to you to decide which one of them should go with you.”

“General…” he began, caught between gratitude and embarrassment. “You don’t have to-”

“Commander,” she cut him off. “This is an order.” But her tone was light, and there was a hint of a smirk in her face. Knowing when to take a good offer and run, Poe nodded and picked up the drive.

“We’ll leave first thing in the morning,” he said. “Thank you, Ma’am.”

“Poe,” she said as he stood up. “He’s an exceptional young man. Shara would have liked him.”

Poe felt a swell of pride. “Yeah. I think she would have.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There was a brilliant sunrise over the base as Finn settled into the co-pilot’s seat.

“Are you sure you trust me here?” he said, only half-joking.

Poe smiled back reassuringly. “I do now that I’ve disabled every single button on your control panel that could do any real damage.”

Finn opened his mouth to complain, but decided that he really didn’t have a leg to stand on. 

“So, Coruscant,” he said instead. “You’ve been there before?”

“Yeah, quite a few times,” said Poe. “You’re going to love it. I’ve got a few months’ worth of credits burning a hole in my pocket, and some of the best bars and restaurants in the galaxy who’ll be more than happy to take them off my hands.”

“So do I, I guess,” said Finn. The idea of having his own money still felt alien to him – he was keenly aware that, in spite of their nominal bodyguard-bodyguarded setup, he was going to be spending a lot of the trip playing catch-up to Poe. All the same, he couldn’t think of anyone he’d rather be doing it with.

The transport gave a kick as Poe fired up the engines and took them off the ground. Finn’s hand drifted to the lightsaber hanging from his belt, fingers sliding onto the grooves as they climbed higher. He could see the base below them becoming smaller until it was nothing but dots in a sea of green and blue. 

Steadying the ship, Poe entered a series of co-ordinates and looked over at Finn. He put one hand on the lever that would hurl them into hyperspace. He reached across and placed his free hand into Finn’s.

“Ready to see the galaxy?” he asked with a brilliant smile. 

Finn slid his fingers through Poe’s and smiled right back. 

“I’m ready.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah. This is my first fic in this universe, and my knowledge of the EU is extremely limited, so if there are things I've gotten wrong, please let me know. 
> 
> Honestly, this started out as two scenes that I started writing over the Christmas break (specifically the first kiss and the training scene with the staffs) and then I got thinking about how those linked together, and all the stuff around that, and...well, here we are.
> 
>  
> 
> _Edit:_
> 
>  
> 
> I wanted to update the notes to say a few extra things:
> 
> 1) Thanks so much for all the lovely comments and feedback - without wanting to get too "Sally Field Oscar speech" on you, I'm beyond chuffed, so thank you!
> 
> 2) On Leia, I feel like nothing sums up my feelings about the character better than "Leia is our OG, and she will be respected as such". My second wish for Episode VIII (after "all Finn/Poe, all the time") is that Leia gets the kind of spotlight Han got in Episode VII; if that involves her wielding a lightsaber on-screen, all the better. I also feel like Leia could rant for hours about the hyper-masculine nonsense of a largely male-led order being so terrified of feelings that they make a life of celibacy one of their rules, and was severely tempted to include some of that in this fic, but it felt *slightly* out of place for the scene...
> 
> 3) I hesitate to say *when* any of this might happen, but I do plan to write more in this series; I am fully sure in my own head of what happens to these characters next (including them actually leaving the base and having missions and whatnot!), and have started writing the next chapter. The issue is finding time to actually write it (which is easy over Christmas holidays, and surprisingly hard at any other time of the year). All I can say is that I'll write it as soon as I physically can, because it's genuinely like an itch inside my brain - this 'ship now owns me, and I am bound to do its bidding.


End file.
